Race to Nowhere

If you’ve seen the documentary The Race to Nowhere, you are aware that kids today are overwhelmed with stress.  Whether it is self-imposed, or it comes from their parents, or from college admissions requirements, or from soccer coaches, or from the various media with which they are bombarded every minute of the day, the phrase “carefree childhood” seems to be as quaint an idea as bringing liquids in your carry-on luggage. 

The local non-profit with which I am involved, S.M.A.R.T. (Southbury & Middlebury Acting Responsibly Together) screened the movie in order to increase awareness about what we are inadvertently doing to our kids, and to start a public dialogue about what we see as a major underlying cause of so many problems that plague our youth today:  depression, self-injury, substance abuse, etc.  You can pass as many laws as you like, and stick police dogs in the school halls, and medicate your kids up the wazoo, but all you’re doing is treating symptoms.  Not to say that your kid’s overloaded schedule is the only reason he’s flailing, obviously there can be many other factors (abuse, issues with divorce, misguided parenting, unhealthy lifestyle).  However, it’s my belief that a child who feels significant is not going to make disastrous choices.  And what makes a child, or anyone for that matter, feel significant is when she feels that she is contributing to something, that what she is doing matters, that she is connected to something, that she is understood.  When I look around me and see people shuttling their kids from one activity to the next, rush rush rush!, when any down time is spent in front of a screen of some sort, and when every waking moment of the day seems to be adult-orchestrated and managed, I can’t help but say, no wonder our kids are a mess.

Yes, No Child Left Behind is a disaster.  “Teaching to the test” has become a rallying cry for reform.  Kids are being crammed with information they need in order to pass the test, instead of learning skills they need to succeed in today’s and tomorrow’s global workplace.  The money a school district gets from the state and federal governments depends on kids’ scores on these tests, so there is a lot more than Sally’s self-esteem resting on the results of her tests.  Teachers feel the pressure to produce good test-takers and given the amount of worksheets that come home with our kids, there doesn’t seem to be much out-of –the-box teaching going on, which would appeal to our kids’ various learning styles and strengths. 

You can blame it on policy, on teachers’ unions, on all kinds of people and institutions.  And yes, writing to your political representatives and going to Board of Education meetings and making your voice heard is a great way to start to effect change.  Or you can always do the homeschooling option or if you’re loaded, enroll in private school (but both of those options come with all sorts of interesting baggage too).  But I really think that the most important change that we can all make immediately, which will have the biggest impact, is to be mindful of our choices as parents and as individuals.

Several people have complained to me about how intense the soccer and baseball programs are and how crazy the parents get.  When my son William (7) mentioned recently that he would like to try soccer, I thought, that’s not going to be very fun for him since all the other kids have been involved in Soccermania since age 3.  It’s crazy to me that children who may still be struggling to learn to read are already required to practice 3 times a week and then monopolize the family’s weekend plans with games.  Baseball games on Mother’s Day, tournaments on Memorial Day Weekend, missing church because of games – where did this come from?  Actually, I’ll tell you where it came from.  At some point in the evolution of parenting, we went from “thou shall be seen but not heard” to “I will do whatever it takes to make you feel good about yourself- and get you a free ride in college while we’re at it.”  It’s like a runaway train that most people want to stop but they’re not quite sure who’s driving it and they’re afraid to jump off, because as annoying and disruptive as it may be, it’s comfortable because it sometimes feels nice and there’s company in the misery.

In terms of the academics, our cookie-cutter education system has led to a system that caters to the student who would do well in any setting, while the majority of kids are either insufficiently challenged, or insufficiently engaged, or not given the chance to catch up developmentally.  If Jimmy is not thrilled to read chapter books by first grade, he had better be tested for learning disabilities and we better get him a tutor so that he doesn’t fall too far behind because then he’ll feel like a moron and his self-esteem will be in the toilet and he’ll hate school.  So now the parent must turn into the thorn in the principal’s side, demanding all sorts of testing so we can nip this in the bud, and everyone is stressed out, and little Jimmy now hates to read.  Meanwhile, he probably would have been just fine had he been allowed to hone his socializing skills during a full day of kindergarten, and spent less time being tested and more time learning how he learns best, during his first year  or two of school.

Alas, as parents we cannot change the system in a day or even a year.  Any time there is money and ego tied to a problem, finding and then implementing a solution is an enormous task.  Of course, we should do our best to get things rolling with that, but in the meantime I think every parent should ask him/herself these questions:

• As parents, what have we decided our family should stand for?  What are our core values?
• Does our daily life reflect those values?  If not, what can we cut out or add in?
• Do I know my child’s true essence?  What is he about?  Am I encouraging his uniqueness or squelching it?
• What does “herd mentality” mean to me?  How does it play into my decision-making?
• Am I truly my child’s advocate, or am I actually part of the (failing) system?  What are my honest intentions?

Yesterday on Facebook I posted the following status: 

So when did it become the sign of an 'involved parent' for parents to visit their kids' classrooms, volunteer in the classroom etc? It's become a new way to "keep up with the joneses" & to feel mommy guilt. If you teach your kids to be compassionate, hard working, honest & happy, you're involved. Volunteer in school because it brings you joy, not out of duty; & if it doesn't fit into your life, that's totally fine.

I was thinking the other day about how so many moms spend a lot of time in their kids’ schools.  It’s really hard not to feel inadequate compared to them if you’re a working mom or if you simply have other stuff you’d rather be doing than chaperoning a field trip or having lunch with your kid in the cafeteria.  At dinner the other night (yes, we have a family dinner every night, and if Bill’s traveling I still sit down with the kids in the dining room), Jackie (10) said, “Parents who are at school a lot are too involved.  They need to let their kids just figure out stuff.”  It got me thinking about what our intentions are.  At what point did being “involved in your child’s education” go from showing up for parent-teacher meetings and reading with your child at night, to taking time off from work or from tennis in order to prove to your child and the world that you care?  Of course, many moms participate because they really enjoy spending time with their kids and getting to know their kids’ classmates.  And I don’t know when it happened, but there are now official positions that need to be filled (classroom parent, all the various PTO committees).  I think it’s great that parents take leadership roles because when you look at schools in urban areas, lack of parental involvement is one of the biggest causes cited for failing kids.  However, at some point we need to ask ourselves, am I involved because Judy over there is always there for her kid and she makes me look bad, or because I want my kid to feel like I love her, or because I really don’t have that much else going on in my life (if that’s the case, you may want to give me a call)?

To me there appears to be this big disconnect in middle and upper class America.  When the kids are younger, the parents are hovering over them like flies on well, you-know-what.  Then they hit middle school and the PTO meetings become far less attended, the jocks have more practices but the non-Mia Hamms have nothing to do after school besides piles of meaningless homework, and the Race to Nowhere starts to kick in big time.  It doesn’t have to be this way.  You know how NIKE tells us to Just Do It?  Well, I say Just No It.  Model conscious, mindful decision making for your children.  If your child is supposed to be at practice 3 times a week, insist you’re only going twice.  If there is a tournament on Labor Day weekend and you had hoped to hit the beach, say NO.  If your child asks why you aren’t in school as much as Madison’s mom is, explain that you are happy to spend time with her before and after school, but school is a place for children to figure things out and to do their job as students.  If there is a call for local volunteers and you don’t feel it is in your heart or schedule to help out, say NO.  How can we expect our children to resist the pressure to join the meaningless race, when we are guilty of it ourselves?  Just No It.

The most important lesson I can teach you (but will you listen?)

This morning I decided to do something different in yoga class.  Unfortunately, only one of my yogi moms was the beneficiary of this exercise since the school’s delayed opening (yes, more snow!) sent everyone’s schedules into a tailspin.  But I have decided that as a yoga instructor, running/triathlon coach and health coach, it is the most important lesson I can attempt to teach.  It’s a lesson that is not limited to one’s yoga practice, but rather, it can, in fact MUST, be applied to one’s running, triathlon, parenting, career, really anything in life.  So since you weren’t in my class this morning, here you go.

You may be familiar with my smilepacing philosophy.  Basically, I believe that whether you are training for a race or competing in one, you need to smilepace.  We are so dominated by numeric gauges in our lives, and in training and racing this shows up in the form of heart rate monitors, stopwatches, splits, calories burned, lactic threshold, Personal Records, finish time, age group placement, pounds/inches lost, time spent in training, etc.  You need to have an engineering degree to keep it all straight.  In fact, many triathlon coaches are engineers as their day job. 

When I trained for my first triathlon, my coach, an awesome guy and coach, figured out all the numbers for me and every Sunday he’d email me the weekly plan, with all the numbers he’d figured out.  Yes, he’s an engineer.  I paid him to do all the calculations that to my Big Picture brain are the equivalent of liquid Ambien.  But then I realized that especially come race day, I have no interest in looking at my watch at each mile marker to see if I’m at the right speed.  Nor did I want to be glancing down at my watch to see if my heart rate was correct.  I mean, if I was going at the speed that felt right to me, if I was pacing myself according to the joy I felt at being able to do what I was doing, and was capable of smiling at fellow competitors and generous volunteers, surely I was doing the right pace, and my heart wasn’t going to explode?  Thus, smilepacing became my strategy.

I knew that smilepacing was something that could (and I would argue, should) be practiced in more than one’s swimming, biking and running.  I love to have fun.  If something’s not fun, I want out.  So if I think of parenting, housework, volunteer and paid work – if something isn’t fun, then I don’t want to do it.  Unfortunately I’m not rich enough to pay someone else to take care of the drudgery, so on a daily basis I do have to engage precious time doing stuff like scrubbing toilets, putting away laundry, mopping floors, refereeing domestic disputes, preparing meals the under-5 ft crew will certainly whine about.  That’s life.  But there are so many things in life we can choose.  Who our friends are.  How we make money.  How we help our community.  How we react to things we can’t choose. 

This brings me to today’s yoga lesson.  I started off by reading an excerpt from this brilliant book I’m studying, Yoga as Medicine: The Yogic Prescription for Health & Healing, by Timothy McCall, M.D.  I read this section aloud, Trying Too Hard:

Students often push to achieve the outward form of an asana – trying to emulate their peers or a photo from a magazine – even when their body and breath are telling them they aren’t ready yet.  That is not a balanced action, not tuning in.  It’s imposing something from the outside.  Viniyoga teacher and bodyworker Leslie Kaminoff says that achieving the so-called classical form of a posture is simply not realistic for many people.  Due to anatomical variations, yoga poses readily done by some people are simply impossible for others.  He says, “some people unnecessarily torture themselves over their inability to perform certain asanas without realizing that it’s something inherent in their body proportions or shape.”  If you have thick arms or legs, or if your limbs are short in proportion to your trunk, e.g., you may never be able to clasp your hands behind your back in certain twists, or thread one leg behind the other in Eagle pose.  Trying to make the impossible happen is a setup for frustration and injury.  If you find yourself discouraged, that, too, offers a chance to build awareness through self-study.  Why, you might ask, are you so worried about how far you go into a pose?  Is it about how you look?  Do you feel competitive with others?  Such concerns have nothing to do with real yoga and they can undermine its healing power.  Far more important than outward form, Leslie believes, is whether, as a result of your yoga, you are able to breathe more effectively or move around in a more pain-free way.

Generally, in any yoga pose you are holding for more than a few seconds, you want to move into the pose until you encounter the first resistance to further motion.  At that point you should stop and breathe slowly, deeply, and smoothly.  After a short while, something may release, signaling that it is okay to move more deeply into the pose.  This process can be repeated several times.  Yogis refer to this as working or playing “the edge.”  The resistance to movement often comes from muscles that reflexively tighten to prevent injuries.  The more quickly and forcefully you move, the more likely the muscle will contract and frustrate your efforts.  It’s one of your body’s natural protective mechanisms.  If you try to force your way through that resistance, you may tear muscle fibers.  If you breathe and soften, you may find unexpected opening.

(p. 92-3)

A few of the women I’ve been training have been afflicted by injuries.  I suppose this doesn’t reflect well on me as, well, I am after all supposed to be guiding them as they walk, run, high-and-low plank.  I probably should have read the above excerpt at the first class, and had each participant swear to me that she would adhere to its message.  Alas, I can’t control what people do, especially during the 165 hours each week that they are not under my tutelage.  Smilepacing, or breathpacing, does not come naturally especially in a culture that reveres people who go to any extreme in order to “succeed.” 

I realized about a week ago that it’s now spring, and triathlon season will be upon us in 2.5 months or less.  I have been in the pool once this year, on my bike twice, and haven’t run further than six miles at a time.  The only bricks in my life have been the bran muffins I made the mistake of baking last week – forget bike-to-run (“brick”) workouts.  Not because I don’t feel like it, but because I spend a lot of time training others.  And yet as I was thinking this over, about my lack of serious training, and what effect it may be having on my fitness level, I also thought about the fact that six days every week, I am working with beginner runners, beginner walkers, beginning yogis.  I am helping them to discover the joy of going out for a jog at 6am in 30 degree weather while the moon is still out and the family is asleep.  The satisfaction of realizing that a yoga pose you couldn’t do only last week is actually almost comfortable today.  So, I could be pounding the streets working on that 7:30 10k pace, or shaving 3 seconds off my 100 yd swim, or wearing down my bike’s rear tire on the trainer.  But that wouldn’t be smilepacingâ to me.  That would be doing what Dr. McCall suggests above, when he encourages self-study.  Of course, it is great to push yourself and I abhor mediocrity or the long-term status quo.  I see every day as a chance to improve as an athlete, a mother, a wife, a dog owner, a spiritual being, a coach, photographer, friend… I suppose it all boils down to intention.  It’s important to ask yourself, why am I doing this?  Why is this so important to me?  Am I going faster than my coach suggested, because it makes me feel more successful?  Because I need to prove something to myself – or to someone else?  Can I go out there for a jog and not take a watch with me, just go – or is this too uncomfortable for me?  And if so, why?  Smilepacing (or breathpacing) is not license to be a slacker, to stop challenging yourself, to settle for less than you’re capable of doing.  All it is, is figuring out what feels right for your body and your psyche, and then using that as your gauge to measure your pace.  Remember:  “if you breathe and soften, you may find unexpected opening.”

Parent University

Saturday the Newtown Parent Connection, S.M.A.R.T. and the Brookfield Substance Abuse Coalition held the 4^th annual Parent University.  From 8:00am-1:15pm parents and any interested adult could attend seminars on topics that included bullying, internet safety, depression, transitioning from middle school to high school, what’s really going on in our towns (drugs), ‘tween & teen sexuality, and so on.  $5 and free babysitting!  I had my weekly yoga/run mom group I coach, so I was only able to attend the last session – but I’m glad I did.

The session I attended was “21^st Century Parenting with Challenging Children and Teens.”  It was taught by Charlie Manos, Director of Special Education & Support Services for Brookfield schools, who also has his own practice as a marriage and family therapist. 

Charlie talked about how much society has changed in the last few decades in terms of family dynamics and the place of the child in society.  In the 1950s there was a clear hierarchy.  Adults set the rules, the kids followed them, and if there was any disobedience there were consequences.  Parental authority was not questioned.  This changed in the 1970s and today, there is no hierarchy.  Children in many ways act as if they are equals to adults, and parents today usually need to be convinced (according to Charlie) that there should be a hierarchy.  It doesn’t help that even if a parent does think a certain way, she will often be challenged by her spouse or her own peers.  Things are no longer as clear as they used to be.

There are some positive sides of this.  Parents are communicating better with their children and taking into account feelings, self esteem, and so on.  Charlie described how there is a spectrum when it comes to the temperament we are born with, with fearful being on one end and risk taker on the other end.  In today’s parenting, with our tendency to be less authoritarian, we are more likely to be motivated to work with our child’s temperament, which is a good thing because when a parent’s temperament tends toward one end of the spectrum and the child’s temperament tends toward the opposite end, chaos can erupt.  Charlie pointed out that it’s important to understand our child’s temperament and communicate to our child that it’s okay to be that way, this way it doesn’t become a source of shame.

I admit that in spite of my involvement with S.M.A.R.T. (which has been rather minimal since the fall, when I focused on Ironman, my business, and my kids’ swim team practices), when I first saw the seminar offerings, my immediate reaction was, “my kids are young, I don’t need to know this stuff yet, and by the time I do need to know it the rules, threats and drugs will all be different.”  I did want to help out, though, and I was curious to see what this whole Parent U was all about, so after my class I took a quick shower and sped over.

Charlie’s class, like the others, was as expected, geared toward parents of middle schoolers and high schoolers.  However, I definitely got a lot out of it.  According to Charlie, the most common reasons for challenging behavior in children and teens are:

1. unclear, vague, and confusing rules
2. not keeping up with child’s/teen’s thinking (think of your child whom you’re certain would make a great lawyer or captain of the debate team)
3. button pushing (they know exactly how to frustrate us!)
4. power trip (kids wield power over their family by dictating the family mood, so the rest of the family tiptoes round to avoid upsetting the challenging child)
5. the pleasure principle (living in the moment, immediate gratification)
6. peer power (lacking a strong connection to the family, teens will rely on their peers for acceptance and will adopt the peer group’s values)
7. misuse of outside forces (parents are increasingly turning to counselors, shrinks, medication to “fix” their kids)

As any parent of a toddler, preschooler, grade schooler knows, this list is definitely applicable to parenting younger children. It was a great reminder for me to put my own parenting under a microscope.  I can certainly think of times that I have been inconsistent with rules, or Bill and I have been inconsistent.  Jackie (10) could certainly be a fantastic litigator (though I’d be very surprised if she went that route professionally, phew).  Both kids are expert button pushers and if we are tired, distracted, in a rush, etc we may as well be the Staples Easy Button.  On numerous occasions our activities have been dictated or influenced by “what would be less likely to result in a Royal Willo Tantrum?”

There were a couple of other important points Charlie made, that I took to heart.  He cautioned against giving your child constant lectures and sermons, which he says is the best way to get your child to tune you out and to break down the lines of communication, eroding parental authority.  I was very relieved to learn that now, before navigating the treacherous adolescent years, since I acknowledge I have already lectured each of them on topics related to peer relationships, household chores, work ethic, compassion, When Mami is on the Phone You Are to Go Mute, TV and Video Games Turn Kids Into Morons, and so on.  No more lectures. 

The other lesson was regarding strictness.  The list he gave us of common family problems included “Over Strictness.”  I raised my hand and asked, “I admit I’m extremely strict, certainly more than the average parent.  How do I know if I’m too strict?”  His answer was interesting.  He said that the parents need to figure out what their values and expectations are, and then communicate these to our kids.  If we are imposing rules out of fear, this will likely cause problems.  If, however, we set a foundation in our family based on the values that are important to us, and we in turn model those same values and rules, this will be much more effective.  I thought about the source of my strictness:  unlike many of my peers, I do not tolerate being interrupted by children (unless it’s an emergency), shouting or squealing indoors and certainly not in a car, refusal to try new foods, chewing with open mouths, whining, insulting a sibling, using my computer or cell phone, TV on week days, sleeping in the parental bed.  I have explained to the kids why these are important rules for us:  children are not equals to adults, and therefore have not yet earned certain privileges (computers, phones, etc), and must respect boundaries (I know, a growingly extinct concept).  We also travel quite a bit and I have explained to them that out of respect for other adults, they need to be able to be somewhere and control their impulse to be completely annoying.  Of course, as a result of this seminar, I now know that the correct approach is to explain all of this in a non-lecturing way, and to reply to their “fresh talk” with statements such as “I understand that makes you angry” instead of “don’t you dare talk to me that way.”  Getting back to the part about modeling desirable behavior – I need to control my impulse to say something hurtful or based on a power trip, or out of a desire to vent my anger – and instead figure out how to motivate my children, who are so very different from each other, to behave well.  I feel fortunate to have sat through Charlie’s class now, while my kids are still unguarded about their desire to please their parents.  If we try hard enough to be mindful parents now, hopefully we can avoid at least some of the problems that could appear further down the road.

Charlie gave us some interesting lists about Top Child & Teen Hot Buttons (e.g. talking in chapters: bring up the past to bolster your argument) and Five Toxic Behaviors That Can Poison a Parent/Child Relationship (e.g. attacking the person rather than the misbehavior) and Top Ten Parent Hot Buttons (“You never let me do anything!”) – and he commented on the lists and provided some more constructive approaches.  The bottom line is we need to be a strong parental team, decide what our values are and establish a foundation based upon those values, be mindful of our reactivity so we can try to act less out of emotion, develop a hierarchy of consequences and be consistent with it, “catch our kids being good,” as often as possible, work with our child’s temperament by coaxing them instead of shoving them the way we want them to be.

In conclusion, Parent University should be attended by parents of children of all ages - it is never too soon to learn how to prevent issues, or for that matter, what your babysitters may be doing in their spare time.  I expect to see every one of you (my local peeps) there next year!!

Why Your Past Fitness Efforts Have Failed

Why Your Past Fitness Efforts Have Failed

(and how to avoid repeating the pattern)

A few years ago, you decided to drop the baby weight. You embarked on a diet, signed up for a half marathon, and you became the epitome of a focused athlete. You crossed that finish line, experienced euphoria like never before – and then a few days later came crashing back to reality, with post-race depression. After those months of deprivation, the French fries and the truffles seemed not only well-deserved but were welcome comfort. Now, 20+ pounds heavier, you feel like a failure and wonder if you are even capable of sustaining the fitness gained through a pre-race or a boot camp program. You feel overwhelmed, hopeless, and out of control. Here’s the good news: you can definitely accomplish your goals and maintain your fitness level. You just need to be aware of your past pitfalls and have a plan for avoiding them.

Pitfall #1: Too much brawn, too little brain

No, I’m not talking about my college boyfriends. I’m talking about the way that whether spurred by January 1st, or a health scare, or a looming trip to the beach – we tend to make these drastic lifestyle changes without thinking about how they will affect our body, mind, family, schedule. We live in a society where “microwave thinking” is the norm. We don’t want to wait for something to gradually reach its natural state of readiness, instead we want instant action, instant results. The problem with this is that in terms of a fitness plan, this is not only unsustainable, but it can be unhealthy. When we go from occasionally taking a stroll with the dog, to taking kick-boxing, bootcamp, and hot yoga classes with two strength-training sessions and three treadmill runs in between – and do this for a few weeks – we are not only taxing our muscles, but we are making sacrifices in our relationships. We are increasing our stress levels as suddenly our family, the laundry piles and the boss feel neglected.

Solution: Think, then ease in slowly. You didn’t get to where you are overnight, and getting out of it will take a comprehensive, sustained effort. If you are going to stick to your workouts, you need to come up with a plan that eases your muscles and joints into new movements. Yes, it’s good to feel a bit sore the day after a workout. But you shouldn’t feel extreme discomfort, and certainly not ongoing pain. If the lean, mean, fighting machine instructor is screaming at you to go harder – ignore her. Listen to your body and trust it. In the same vein, if you are a beginning runner, for goodness’ sake run slowly. Run so slowly that you could maintain that pace all day. Do this for a few weeks and then, only then, start picking it up during a few interval workouts. The other things is, you don’t want to follow a hard workout with another hard workout. One of the greatest values of having a coach is that yes, she will push you to reach new limits, but she will also remind you of the importance of rest. All too often, we become so infatuated with our new focused lifestyle and dropping jeans size that we forget to be smart about it. You need to give your body regular rest, so your muscles can repair themselves, your laundry can be done and your spouse and kids can get some much-needed attention.

Pitfall #2: No Plan B

You crossed that finish line, earning the admiration of your family and friends, you are so proud of all you accomplished. And then a few days later the realization sets in that you no longer have that daily structure that came with planning your activities around your dates with Nike, and now that you’re no longer eating to train, your eating is quickly becoming a train wreck. Or, perhaps what happened is that you fell into Pitfall #1 (see above) and one day popped out of bed – and your knee popped at the same time. Forget your cardio workout, as you hobble around, devastated that your heroic fitness plans have come to a screeching halt. So now you go the other extreme and watch helplessly as your abs, which were finally starting to emerge from Flabbyland once again disappear.

Solution: think of goals as a moving goalpost. While training for a race certainly qualifies as a SMART (specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, time-constrained) goal, it’s not the end of the road. It needs to be one of a series of goals. In fact, it’s best to think of your goal as more of a life goal, e.g. “I will live to be really old, and when I die my great-grandchildren will boast to their friends about their great-grandma who rocked the spinning class at age 97.” The races, beach vacations, high school reunions, and so on should be more like targets. And once you reach one target, you head for the next. When life happens and you become injured, or a child is sick, or your job goes through an unexpectedly overwhelming period – and you’re forced to reduce gym time, temporarily – it’s important to reexamine the targets and readjust. In my coaching, I preach about the importance of having goals, and that most people can avoid depression, dis-ease, and so on, with a good set of goals. It is especially important to have clearly articulated goals, and to be working on them daily, even when life throws us a curve ball. If we become injured, we come up with a less ambitious goal and keep going. It may no longer be, run a half marathon in 1:35, but we are no longer the person who set that goal. We have a new set of circumstances and we go from there. The point is to keep moving forward.

Pitfall #3: Ignoring (or not knowing) the importance of the compound effect

Financially, the compound effect can be thought of this way: if you spend $4 on a fancy coffee drink every day for 20 years, you’ll have spent $51,833.79. YIKES. If you think of it in terms of health, if you consume an extra 125 calories (2 chicken nuggets off your kid’s plate) per day, in 31 months you will have gained 33.5 pounds. Of course, this also means that if during that time, you reduced your consumption by 125 calories per day, you will have lost about 33 pounds. Therefore, what ends up happening is that we underestimate our ratio of consumption to expenditure. Simply put, we are eating more than we’re burning, and we don’t realize it because we ignore the little things. But those chicken nuggets swiped off our kid’s plate sure add up!

Solution: Again, in our society of extremes, we tend to embrace the latest celebrity diet or newfangled workout. But it’s the little things that add up. If we are going to make healthful lifestyle changes, it is much easier and more sustainable to whittle away at our bad habits, than to go at them with a pickax. When you eat out, ask the server to hold the bread basket. Replace the weekly gallon of milk at your house with skim milk. Buy baked potato chips instead of regular chips. Eat dinner on a salad plate instead of a regular plate – and have only one serving. Drink herbal tea instead of hot chocolate after sledding with the kids. If you normally have three slices of pizza, have two – from now on. If you normally have two glasses of wine with dinner, limit yourself to one – allowing yourself two on Saturdays. The same goes with exercise. Somebody in one of my classes recently pointed out that a guest trainer on the Dr. Phil show said, “it’s not so much what you do during the one hour you spend at the gym, what matters is what you do the other 23 hours of the day.” Every little step counts. Actually get out of the minivan and walk around it, to close the door. While waiting for the bus, do some walking lunges. Park further away from the shop entrance. When folding laundry, squat down to pick up each clothing article. Take your kids ice skating instead of bowling or to the mall.

Pitfall #4: Unclear Motivation

So, you’re a few weeks into the New You and after the initial infatuation and seemingly effortless weight loss, you hit a plateau. You’re bored. Or your body, now used to less input (food) and more output (calories burned), in its brilliance has become more efficient. Which sucks for you, as you struggle to shed those last five – or fifty – pounds. You think, why the heck am I doing this? And in that defining moment, when facing the choice between another workout, or a cocktail with the hubby, the reason that made you stock up on Under Armour garb and throw out all the Halloween candy is now a distant memory. And the cocktails win out. For the next few years.

Solution: Before you buy that gym membership, or spend a fortune at Athleta.com, think about WHY you are doing this. And write it down. Cut out magazine pictures or print pictures you find online, of what inspires you. We are all motivated by different things. The popular thinking is that it is the intrinsic (internal) motivation that keeps us going, but the truth is that a lot of people are actually more motivated by extrinsic factors. Most of us are motivated by both. So those of us who are more intrinsically motivated, may do this because we want to live a long, healthy life; we want to see our grandchildren get married; we want to feel the fulfillment of achieving hard-earned goals; we want to be a positive role model for the children in our lives. If we are extrinsically motivated, we want to win that age group medal; be admired for fitting into our high school jeans; be the envy of our friends and better yet, our enemies; be praised by our loved ones.

When we achieve our goals and make the “right” choice during those defining moments, it’s not because we are more motivated than others. Nor is it because we are stronger of character. It is because we are clear about our goals and most of all, of the reasons we were pursuing them. And we remind ourselves constantly of why we are doing something, or saying no to something. There is no such thing as an unmotivated person. Everyone is motivated. Some people are motivated to work their butt off to run a 7 minute mile, while someone else may be motivated to work toward a spotless house, a six-figure income, a graduate degree, catching the biggest fish or improving their marriage. My husband has no problem getting up at 5:00am for a golf tee-time, but it would take some heavy machinery to pry him out of bed at that time to get him on the treadmill. It’s not that he’s lazy, it’s that he’s more motivated to play golf than to hit the dreadmill. When we are in that defining moment, is when we need to remember the WHY.

Pitfall #5: It’s not fun

I look at kids’ sports today and for the most part think, boy are we grown-ups screwing up a great thing! From a very young age, kids’ sports are structured, organized, analyzed, regulated, legislated, and so on. Stick some grown ups and a budget into anything and there goes all the fun. Even grade school PE has become a place where instead of kids running around, honing their fine and large motor skills and figuring out how to navigate egos, half the time they’re engaging in “conceptual learning” and “autonomy supported instruction” and taking tests on subjects such as body composition, skeletal fitness, muscular development… Chances are, you’re guilty of doing the same thing in your own life. Your workouts have become yet another chore on your endless lift, instead of something you look forward to.

Solution: Be a kid again! When I train and compete in triathlons, I don’t think of it as a serious endeavor. Sure, I take my training seriously in that I schedule it into every week, making my workouts as much a priority as a doctor’s appointment would take. But as much as possible, I try to keep it all in perspective. I think back to when I was a kid and my sister, cousins and I would bike across country roads (in Sweden), swim in the freezing lakes, bike home, and run around playing hide-and-seek until our moms would call us inside. Talk about a great triathlon training program! And so fun! I still try to tune into that inner playful, carefree child. Even yoga, for the majority of us who neither believe in elephant gods, nor care to stand on our heads in a populated room, nor fathom bending into a lopsided pose with an animal name without risking a fig of giggles - can be an intimidating concept. Basically, as soon as there’s a section of Target dedicated to an activity, it becomes less fun and more work, as far as I’m concerned.

Don’t get me wrong – I’m a huge fan of hard work and I think it’s something that needs to be practiced a lot more than it is. But even when I’m doing a 6 hour bike ride or a 162 lap swim or a 22 mile run, I make sure that it’s fun, that I’m smilepacing™. And the easiest way to do that is to do it with friends (support group), to laugh at the absurdity of what I’m doing, and to feel deep gratitude for having the strength and the will to do this, since after all, it is optional.

Wow, controversial topic!

Yesterday's blog entry caused quite a storm on my Facebook page.  I hit a few nerves, by equating poor nutritional decisions on behalf of parents with child abuse and by suggesting a link between ADHD and nutritional choices.  There was a lot of emotion at the suggestion of a link between a diagnosed condition and nutritional choices, which is seen as perpetuating misperceptions and judgment about a real disease and the choices parents must make when their child has it.  A few opinions about the perception of my lumping a mother who is "doing the best she can" into the same category as a criminal who whips his child and locks him in the basement.  Anger about the fact that we are indeed becoming an unhealthy, unsightly, unquestioning society of people who think it's okay to encourage obese children to consume thousands of empty calories every day.

I admit I like to rock the boat.  When I told my friend Meg later what was going on on Facebook (she doesn't have a FB account), her immediate reaction was, "you do love to piss people off, don't you!"  I answered, "No - I much rather they agree with me or at the very least start to question what they take for granted."  Of course, I don't think a mother, who is clearly unhappy with herself (remember, I'm not talking about someone who thinks she needs to lose a few pounds, I'm talking obesity here), and who for whatever reason either doesn't know that her child is also obese and should not be diving into the Super Size anything, or simply has relinquished all control - of course I don't think she should be locked up with child beaters and molesters.  This is not about passing judgment or legislation.  Nor is it about me pretending to know what God would think, though plenty of verses do give me an inkling, such as:

Or do you not know that your body is a Temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God?  You are not your own, for you were bought with a price.  So Glorify God in your body. (Corinthians 6:19-20)

The good thing about throwing in an emotional phrase like "child abuse" is it gets people's attention.  These days we are so insensitive to the information we get on a continuous basis from all the media, that it takes certain words or images to wake us up out of our collective slumber.  The bad thing about mentioning child abuse and ADHD is it gets people going off on tangents and perhaps missing the main point.  As I stated, nobody knows definitively what causes ADHD.  I completely agree with the moms who posted comments regarding the misperceptions about ADHD sufferers and their parents.  As a teacher, I had several ADHD children who were given a medical diagnosis and there is clearly a chemical imbalance.  Their condition is not the result of a steady diet of Lucky Charms, 3-7 hours of daily electronics, along with few parent-enforced boundaries or bedtimes (that's a whole other can of worms for another snowy day).  A child with ADHD and his family deserve compassion.  In fact, everyone deserves compassion, because we never know what is going on within people and families.  I received several personal messages yesterday in response to the blog and the ensuing firestorm, that made my heart break and also told me I'd done the right thing by stirring the pot here.

However way you want to look at it, the facts speak for themselves:

• one-third of American children are overweight
• according to the Mayo Clinic, childhood obesity can lead to: Type 2 diabetes; metabolic syndrome; high cholesterol & high blood pressure; asthma and other breathing problems; sleep disorders; early puberty or menstruation; low self esteem; bullying; behavioral & learning problems; depression
• 3 out of 4 young adults ages 17-24 are too fat to fight for our country, according to NPR

Now, ask yourself, is a parent who enables a child to head down this path, not guilty of some sort of neglect?  Doctors must take the Hippocratic Oath, which includes the following:

...I will prevent disease whenever I can, for prevention is preferable to cure.  I will remember that I remain a member of society, with special obligations to all my fellow human beings... 

Although when we leave the maternity ward we're not asked to sign any similar agreement, isn't it implicit that this is something we agree to undertake as part of our role as parents?

So, the question is, what are we going to do about this?  Lisa, on FB, suggested mandatory nutritional education.  But I'm pretty sure that's already happening in the schools.  My 4th grader told me how bummed she is they don't get to work out in PE these days.  Horrified, I asked why?  She told me they were learning about the Food Pyramid.  Please tell me someone else sees the absurdity of this?  They are not allowed to run around outside during recess because of the snow (another absurd concept-isn't that the whole point of snow?) and they are not playing games or sports in PE because instead they are being taught about the Food Pyramid.

I am a huge fan of changing society by changing the way moms see themselves and the world around them.  Why do you think Oprah is such an architect of change?  She can make an unknown author a bestseller in 5 minutes, bring much-needed attention to the plight of disenfranchised populations, launch careers for people such as Dr. Phil.  Look who her viewers are. Her target audience is women between the ages of 25-49.  Women in that age group have the most influence of any group in society.  Doubt your influence?  Think of the last time you had a crappy day.  How did the day go for the rest of your family?  I say, Happy Mommy, Happy Baby/Kid/Husband.  We set the mood for our family, like it or not, which is why I'm so gung-ho on us taking care of our health and happiness.  You know, like when you get on the airplane and the flight attendant tells you that should the cabin lose pressure and the mask comes down, put your own on before tending to your child.  Same concept.

Our children are taking their cues from us.  And not just the verbal ones - in fact, they are noting our actions more than our words.  When I go to the local amusement park and see the clusters of obese families, I don't think, "gosh, poor things, they were dealt a crappy set of genes!"  Instead, I think, "gosh, poor things, those children are not being taught how to live a healthy lifestyle!"  As moms we readily accept the responsibility to ensure that our children are educated, safe, receive a spiritual foundation of some sort, are clothed, fed, healthy.  (Note: I do acknowledge that in many cases, dads are the primary caregivers, I say "mom" for the sake of simplicity and because it's more commonly the mom).  Yes, healthy.  The facts I list above tell me something's gone awry with our parenting, and it's up to us moms to change this.

I mention Oprah, and someone else on FB mentioned the fact people watch so much TV that maybe The Biggest Loser will start to change opinions.  Perhaps some well-designed, well-placed PSA's (sandwiched between Botox & anti-depressant commercials) would help.  I think it would be great to do a series of hit-you-in-the-(expanding)-gut PSA's to be played at local movie theatres, since you've certainly got a captive audience there.  I see so many lost opportunities to create change, when instead of empowering the audience, we're bombarded with all kinds of messages telling us we're completely inadequate and surgery and meds are the answer.  And if that's too daunting, there's always the Starbucks Trenta Caramel Macchiato to gulp down during your pity party.

This is not about discrimination, or looking down on people for their choices.  This is about looking around, and ahead.  Someone on FB commented that the mother I described in the original post, was "showing her children love in the way she knows how to show it.  I hope that they will grow and learn healthier habits."  I received a few private messages in response to that comment, to the tune of, "there is no way that mom doesn't know better!  And she's hurting her children because of her own hang-ups!"  (Note: one of these comments came from someone who admitted being guilty of this herself until she decided to take responsibility for her and her children's health).  When our children are in our care, for a few precious years we have a captive audience.  It is vital that we get something this crucial (healthy lifestyle choices) ingrained in them before they are truly free to make their own decisions.  I guarantee you that if you ask any 20-something girl with an eating disorder or a serious weight problem, if she would have preferred that her mom model healthy lifestyle choices (nutrition & exercise) or given her the in-bedroom TV set, the girl would choose the former.

We get mad about the fact that the US schools are churning out kids who are illiterate and below average in math.  Just today, the NY Times published an article that only 23% of students graduating from NYC schools in 2009 were ready for college or a career.   (National Security experts must be having a cow).  But if you think about it, it's the same attitude of complacency, of "we're doing our best, they're doing their best," that's gotten us into both our educational and health crises.  Whether the sliding scale is an academic scale (down) or a bathroom scale (up), it's up to us moms to figure out why this whole weight debate strikes a nerve in each of us, what we can change for ourselves and our families, and how we can spread the health to others.  

Changing the trend in the rate of child obesity in America is not difficult as long as parents are willing to accept their responsibility for teaching their children healthy lifestyles. (From Help Cure Childhood Obesity)

We all need to make a few changes in our own lives, take responsibility for the choices our children make (and this means, accept that we are the parents and we are in charge), and acknowledge that we're all in this together so it IS our business what others do, especially since their choices impact all of us.

Is this child abuse?

Yesterday I took the kids ice skating and during the break, while the Zamboni cleaned the ice, I witnessed child abuse.  Here is how I described it to my husband Bill a couple of hours later, as we headed to a Super Bowl party.

Me: "So, while the Zamboni came out and did its thing, I sat on the bleachers next to a couple of moms and their kids.  The kids were drinking Gatorade and those big ice drinks - Icee? Slurpee?  What are they called?"

Bill rolls his eyes, knowing where I'm going with this (note: rolling his eyes at the Bad Parenting, not at my  soapboxing).

I continue: "The boy, age 11? Was eating a King Size Kit Cat.  The girl, age 12? Walks over with chocolate chip cookies from the vending machine.  The mom and the girl were obese.  The boy is headed that way."

Bill: "What is WRONG with people??"

Me: "It's crazy.  I was dying to turn to her and tactfully, diplomatically explain to her that unless your child is involved in sustained, vigorous activity, there is no need for a sports drink.  (Going round and round a rink in a 40 degree room doesn't qualify, I doubt they even broke a sweat.)  And there certainly is no need for a sugary snack, especially if the child is already clearly overweight.  It really upsets me because what I witnessed was, I suspect, the average behavior in the average American family.  That's why in a few years 1 in 3 children will be diabetic."

Bill: "What is WRONG with people??  How can people in this day and age still be drinking Coke on a regular basis???"

Me: "Well, it's like smoking.  We know it's bad, but why do so many people today still smoke?"

Bill: "That's different.  Smoking is an addiction.  People know it's bad for them but they're addicted and can't stop."

Me: "A lot of people say food is an addiction.  Sugar and carbs are addictions, according to a lot of people.  Where do you draw the line?  The problem is the average person is a moron."

Bill: "Yikes, that's harsh."

Me: "You're right, that's not what I meant.  What I meant is that to us, it's common sense.  But the average person doesn't have our level of interest in these matters, so it's not common sense to them.  It's why revamping the school lunch is such an upward battle.  The majority of the population either is unaware of what we think is obvious, or they're not interested.  Let me explain it this way:  we all have filters, as we are constantly bombarded with information.  One of my filters is, say, car maintenance.  I cannot imagine a more boring subject, and though I know it's an important thing to know about, if there is something on the internet, or in the news, about cars, I immediately tune it out.  So when it comes to car stuff, I'm a moron.  I'd say the same thing goes for the average parent, and nutrition.  When something is publicized in the New York Times or on the internet about how bad hot dogs are or how liquid calories are contributing to the childhood obesity epidemic, etc - the people who most need to make changes are the least likely to hear these messages.  Their filter is on another setting."

Larry Winget, who wrote the great book, "Your Kids Are Your Own Fault," says that if you don't teach your kids certain things like financial literacy, or that they are not the center of the universe, you are engaging in child abuse.  I know, harsh.  But he does make a good argument.  When I see parents like the mom I saw yesterday, who clearly are leading their children toward a life of low self esteem, disastrous health problems (obesity, diabetes, ADHD, heart disease, joint problems, etc.) , and all the other consequences of terrible nutrition - I can't help but think I'm witnessing child abuse.  Perhaps they're not inflicting blunt trauma on their child, but they are nevertheless setting them up for a lifetime of emotional and physical struggles.

Just now I heard on the news that a small study just revealed that ADHD can be directly linked to preservatives and additives in processed foods, and that while the study was too small to be considered definitive, we may want to consider adding more natural foods to our kids' diets.  My common sense meter tells me DUH, I don't need a bigger study to confirm that.  Unfortunately, most people will ignore that little bit of news and take the easier route (meds).

I really don't know what the answer is, how to change the tide.  We live in a time when the majority of people are overly sensitive and walking around looking for a way to be offended (like those of who who bristled at my comment above re: ADHD & meds), so it's really hard to state an opinion without being politically incorrect.  Especially when it comes to parenting - it's such a personal endeavor, that anything in connection with parenting tends to polarize people and often sends them scurrying into the background ("well, if that's the way they want to parent, that's their business, different strokes for different folks").  But I'm not talking about whether or not to breastfeed, or allow sleepovers, or accept Jesus, or say please and thank you.  This is a public health issue that not only affects everyone's insurance premiums.  When so many children are putting crap into their bodies, this has a ripple effect across our society.  Hyper children are disrupting class.  Overfed, huge 7 year olds are competing against "normal" size 7 year olds in sports (I suppose some parents would see this as a good thing).  Depression is on the rise - and I don't need a huge study to point out the link between depression and bad nutrition/overweight.  Nutrition is the foundation upon which we each build our bodies - our lives, to a large extent.  And while America runs on Dunkin, I'd say that our foundation may taste good for now but it's a glazy, sickly sweet downward slope.  I'm interested to see who can make the swiftest, broadest changes first: Michelle Obama with her nutrition awareness messages, or Barack Obama and his health plan.  Because if people don't listen to Michelle, they sure as hell better pressure their political representatives to get on the ball with improving health care coverage for all those sick children in the making.

(I think) the most important legacy for your child

Sunday, January 23, 2011, was the 7th anniversary of my mom's death.  She found out she had esophageal cancer, 3 weeks later I found out I was pregnant with my 2nd (and last) child.  Nine months later I gave birth to my son, and a month later my mom died.  The first few years were rough, to say the least.  The sadness, mind-numbing exhaustion and moving from one necessary task to the next as I struggled to deal with an infant who seemed to be constantly either on the brink of screaming or just flat-out screaming, while my three-year-old endured a year-and-a-half-long bout of withholding her bowel movements.  As I look back on that time I have a hard time distinguishing between emotions resulting from my mother's untimely death, and those caused by struggling with being a very lonely new mother of two.  My husband was constantly traveling, I had no family nearby, and I still hadn't formed any meaningful friendships in my insular Connecticut town.

I thought of this a little bit on Sunday.  We were in the Washington, DC area, visiting my in-laws.  We used to live there (it's where Bill and I met), and in many ways it feels like home to me.  We have many friends there and I always felt welcome, from the first day I arrived there back in 1993, I think.  DC is smaller and more manageable than NYC, and full of transients and transplants from all over the world.  The perfect place for a TCK like me.

I toyed between going to church or going for a run on the morning of the anniversary - what would make me feel closer to my mom, what would be more meaningful for me/her?  I decided to join a friend, Jeff Horowitz, for a run.  My parents had always been very active as my sister and I were growing up (in fact, my dad, now age 70, is preparing for the Myrtle Beach marathon - his 25th?).  My mom grew up dancing ballet and I don't remember a single day that she didn't do aerobics or at least some stretching routine.  Even on vacation.

Sunday's run ended up being with a group of a dozen or so people, who met at the Lululemon store in Georgetown (FABULOUS workout clothes, by the way!!).  Jeff led us through some functional warm-up exercises (he's a personal trainer & running coach, author, ultra runner, etc.) and then we all headed out into the 17 degree air and ran over to the National Mall and then back for a series of hill repeats.

When I wasn't chatting, I was thinking about what I consider to be one of the most important legacies my mom left me.  I love training.  I love being active.  I remember even in my party 20s, when out on the town, if a bar or club didn't have dancing, pool, or at the very least darts, I wasn't interested in it.  It's not that chatting doesn't interest me - I love an intense conversation - it's just that I found most conversations didn't satisfy me the way that expressing myself physically, or in competition, did.  Even today, when I was reflecting on some of my friends who are involved in several Bible study groups or the like, I noticed how at least at this point in my life that is not exactly calling me.  However, if I think of a line from Scripture or a philosophical statement, and mull it over while snowshoeing across a beautiful, isolated golf course, or while running by the Lincoln Monument, or riding the ski lift up with my snowboard dangling, gazing out at the beautiful white landscape down below - this to me is a much deeper connection with God.  As is every time I practice yoga and focus on nothing but my breath, and the gratitude I feel for my health and strength.  It's what I call a sensory spiritual experience, as I exuberantly engage my 5 senses.

Growing up, I never considered myself an athlete.  I grew up in Mexico City and I don't ever recall it being as crazy as things are today surrounding athletics.  My sister and I went to ballet once or twice a week and on weekends our family would go to the Club France, which was really a swim & tennis club.  We dabbled in tennis, splashed around a lot in the pool, seeing who could do the most creative dive or jump off the highest diving board, and my dad and I would play in badminton tournaments.  My dad would also take us roller skating and I remember flying recklessly downhill in the UNAM university stadium parking lot (no helmet).  Eventually the Skate Inn skating rink was built near our house and that became our favorite place to go every weekend evening after the Club France, especially once my sister and I won free memberships.

We never really participated in organized sports.  I had a brief stint on the softball team, I think when I was a freshman.  I ran on the high school track team for 2 weeks and while the nickname I was given "Tortuga" (turtle) was a little annoying, it wasn't the reason I quit.  I'd only joined because I wanted to participate in a specific tournament that I'd heard was loads of fun, where there was a water park.  Meanwhile, my dad was racking up his marathons.  He was the first Brit to run the Mexico City Marathon, earning him a feature in the local paper.  He did New York several times.

It wasn't until college that I committed to anything athletic.  I rowed crew my freshman year at Rutgers, because I'd seen the movie Oxford Blues with Rob Lowe and thought it looked fun and the rowers cute.  Living in a freshman dorm, with a bunch of students who after years of midnight curfews and strict rules re: alcohol & sex were now liberated from parental law and on a collective rampage, didn't bode well with my 5:30am roll call at the boathouse.   Severely sleep-deprived, and not feeling like I fit in with the crew creed to Live, Eat, Breathe & Date Crew - I quit after one semester.  I decide collegiate sports were too myopic and intense for me, so I'd try intramural sports.  I played in the intramural badminton league. I joined the Rutgers Ultimate Frisbee club, since I figured that my 3 weeks in San Diego as a high school freshman had taught me all I needed to know about throwing a frisbee.  I think we were 3 females but that didn't faze me.  After college I heard there was such a thing as 10k's on rollerblades and thought, cool!  I competed in my first in Central Park (New York) and I was hooked.  Speed, competition, not exactly a mainstream sport, and surprisingly, always a top 3 finish in my age group (non-elite).  And I never trained.  I'd taken to skating to class now and then in college, and I did workout to try and shake the 20+ lbs I'd gained in college (they shook alright, and wiggled, but didn't melt away till a few years later).

Fast forward to now.  After each baby I turned to running, and between that and breastfeeding, quickly dropped the weight.  I used to HATE running.  I'd run a mile or two and call it a day.  I'd only run if my boyfriend du jour was into running and would drag me along.  Then when I moved to DC and a coworker convinced me to run at lunch with her, my dread turned to anticipation.  Running round the monuments of such a historical, optimistically-built city, in the midst of all kinds of military boys with their dog-tags hitting their bare, muscular chests as their feet pounded the ground along the Potomac River... Let me tell you, I became a runner!  To this day, the love of running has stayed with me.  Sure, sometimes (often) the temptation to skip a day, or shorten the workout, is there.  But somehow I (usually) push through it, and inevitably I'm glad I did.  And I have my parents to thank for that.

Our country is in the midst of an obesity epidemic, with children suffering the most from it.  There are so many reasons for it: few opportunities to exercise during the school day; unhealthy food choices at school and at home; over-medication; lack of opportunities to walk instead of climb into the minivan; too much screen time; not enough unstructured play... The list goes on and on.  I can't change the world today, but I do believe I can influence enough women to take charge of their health the way my mom did.

Next week my Active Women's Club begins, where I will train a group of women to transition from walking to running, to run their first 5k or 10k, or to train smarter by incorporating yoga & functional strength training into their workout regimen.  Especially since becoming an Ironman athlete, many women have said, "I could NEVER do that.  I'm sooooooo unathletic."  I've been thinking about that statement constantly, and when I ran on Sunday, the anniversary, I thought about how sad it is that so many people think of themselves that way.  When I was starting up my local Ultimate Frisbee Club and I approached a few friends to try it out, that was their reply.  "I'm not athletic."  But to me that's as false as someone saying, "I'm not creative."  Like creativity, we were all born athletic.  Granted, only a small fraction were born with the drive to be Olympic athletes, but that's not what I'm talking about here.  There is no physical reason why someone is not athletic.  Look at Kyle Maynard, who has no arms or legs, and is a great wrestler.  Fortunately, my "unathletic" friends agreed to try out ultimate and now they are zipping round the field, catching and throwing the disc in a way that even surprises them.

I often roll my eyes at kids' athletics today.  It's too intense, too adult-driven, and kids as young as 7 or 8 have to try out for teams.  God forbid they make it, then mom can forget her own life and dad can kiss his golf game good-bye.  And for what?  Sure, you'll have your Mia Hamms here and there, but the majority of kids will get to middle school and if they aren't Wayne Gretsky or Mia Hamm, they'll decide they're unathletic.  My own kids are not exactly athletically gifted in the traditional sense.  Compared to their peers, they're pretty mediocre.  But I see that as an advantage.  As long as they don't become discouraged, and they continue to Just Have Fun, my hope is that we are creating life-long athletes.

 The Race to Nowhere, which I unfortunately have yet to see, examines the way in which our super-driven society pushes so many kids over the brink - in terms of academics.  I'll bet the depression and all those other issues they list as consequences of the pressure kids feel today, are at least in part because of the fact our kids rarely get the opportunity to play just for the fun of it.  Almost all sports today (even cheerleading) require an enormous level of commitment, both financial and in terms of time.  So dammit, if I have to spend $500 for you to play hockey, little Jenny, you're not missing any practices, we're dragging our butts to the rink at 5am on Saturday, and driving all over the state for your games!  (And Jenny is only 9).  I can understand the urge to embrace the intensity.  It's rare that you can just sign up little Jenny for something that's a bit of carefree fun, where she and her friends can figure out the rules for themselves and make do with crappy equipment.  Everything these days has to be high tech, special uniforms, even the snacks are a formal affair.  It doesn't help that Play it Again Sports went out of business so we've got to rely on eBay and Craigslist for used equipment and pay more for shipping than the darn thing's worth.  No wonder parents so often make their kids' athletics their own life.  No wonder so few parents today make the time to workout.  And no wonder so many little Jennies burn out.  And when they label themselves as "unathletic," people and children are missing out on a human need to MOVE.

I believe that the most important ingredients of a good life foundation, that I can instill in my children, include the following: to love to read; to know how to swim well; to always do what they love; to never rely on others for happiness; to avoid herd mentality; to take charge of their health by making wise food choices and exercising daily.  I used to begrudge my parents for not pushing us more.  But now as I look around, I realize I will always be thankful to my parents for never pressuring us to succeed, instead for just letting us be.  I just hope I can do the same with my kids.

Goal check-up

We are two weeks into the year and by now most people have either given up on their resolutions, or never began them.  If you read my previous blog entry (Jan. 2), hopefully it spurred you on to forget resolutions, and instead write down some S.M.A.R.T. (specific, measurable, achievable, relevant & time-constrained) goals.

One of my goals for this year is to rewrite the book I wrote three summers ago, Clearing the Mommy Fog, and actually get it published.  Or self-publish it and hand it out to my coaching clients.  Clearing the Mommy Fog is a self-help guide for women, who have gotten married, popped out a baby or five, and suddenly realize that holy crap - is this really what life is all about?  Putting out domestic fires, having an identity based mostly if not wholly on being someone's mom, and resenting that NFL-obsessed farting lump on the couch who used to make you giggle like a school girl?

Two weeks into the year we are on school snow day four, which does not help one's goalkeeping efforts.  However, I have somehow managed to stare at the computer (without heeding Facebook or email's siren calls) for a few uninterrupted minutes here and there, and I have begun rewriting the book.  It is really amazing what three years' additional experience can do for one's perspective on matters such as happiness, fulfillment, spirituality, priorities.  I imagine that one of the most valuable aspects of having an editor, agent, publicist etc. is that at some point someone has to say, "Enough!  It's done!" - and this has got to be the second hardest thing about publishing a book (the first being the fear of rejection, since you are, after all, baring your soul to some extent, even with fiction).

In the three years since I initially wrote the book, I have become certified as a Life & Career Coach; completed two full Ironman, 2 half Ironman, and countless Olympic and sprint distance triathlons.  I helped to bring Achieve Kids Triathlon camps to the Northeast and am now preparing for our second season, again with me as Head Coach.  Our two kids have switched from private to public school and are thriving there (and our bank account is slowly recovering, without all those exorbitant tuition payments).  We decided one day to ditch our life in CT and one week later moved the family to a tiny island that didn't have as much as a library, for three months.  We started an ultimate frisbee club in our town, in an effort to get families playing together, and in so doing have made some great new friends and proved that everyone is athletic when given the chance.  And the reason to be so.  I have done something that for me is huge, which I always said I'd NEVER do - I agreed to a puppy.

Penny, the day we adopted her (she'd been abandoned) - April 2009

Penny, last week

I ran for office, something else I said "over my dead body."  (I lost, thankfully.)  I have started snowshoeing, learned how to change a bike flat, become addicted to Success Magazine, refused to give in to the Video Game herd mentality, started barefoot running.  I have made tons of mistakes, in fact not a single day goes by that I don't screw up with my kids, my husband, my dog, my businesses, my athletics, my nutrition.  Just right now, while I'm sitting here writing, my 7 year old son came over and asked me to draw with him and I said, "give me half an hour, I still have some work to do."  On Saturday, our dog had to have a painful procedure done because I had not taken her to get her nails clipped and one had split.  Countless occasions where I could have expressed my gratitude for my husband for working so hard so I can do what I feel is my purpose at least for now - care for the kids and build my coaching business, as well as train, teach yoga, write a book, and build Achieve- instead I turned to the dishes or the laundry, or worse yet, snapped at him for being impatient with the kids.  

All of this living and reflecting makes me come back to my book, and what I initially wrote about three years ago.  And I feel like I missed the point back then.  Instead of just a small section of the book, the overarching theme should be GOALS.  When you go through those days where you feel like for every three steps forward to take five back; or it seems you're doing one mundane task after the other; or you're making one mistake after the other, and the mommy guilt sets in - having goals is what keeps you from teetering off that ledge and into the abyss, which for some is a mediocre existence, for others is downright misery.  Either way is not the way that God intended us to live our lives.  By 2020, 1 in 3 adults will have diabetes; I can assure you that at least 9 in 10 of those diabetics will not have any written goals, certainly not in a balanced way: encompassing career, health, relationships.  

When we are doing what we are meant to be doing, thereby living purposefully and passionately, constantly being challenged yet achieving a steady degree of mastery - then we are truly living.  S.M.A.R.T. goals serve as the "destination postcard" to keep us on track, just like each triathlon, certification process, deadline, or picture of an ecstatic child crossing her first triathlon finish line, keeps me on track even when I'm stuck home with rambunctious children and a restless dog and husband for days on end.

Okay, off to do some art with my son :)

Become a goalkeeper!

This is my last posting for 2010.  It's been a great year, highlighted by our spontaneous decision to move to a small island for 3 months, Bill's finishing a huge 5-year hotel project, my finishing my 2nd Ironman triathlon, our kids finishing their first triathlons, our dog Penny finally outgrowing a horrendously naughty and hyper puppyhood.  But of course, those reached goals were only temporary goalposts as we now have to keep moving... more projects, more athletic quests, more dog training.

New Year's Eve is typically when we take stock of our year and what we've accomplished.  And what we didn't finish, or in many cases, never even started.  We had a holiday party at our house the other night, with our ultimate frisbee team, my triathlon-related friends, my fellow yogis.  On the evite I had asked everyone to come with 1-3 goals for the new year.  Part of me was doing it sort of jokingly, and I thought of having everyone write their goals on a board and then once everyone had had some holiday cheer, I would invite the guests to place bets on how long it would take each person to either give up on their goal or complete it.  Instead, what I had them to is before they left our home, they had to sign our guest book - and if they didn't mind sharing, list their goals in the book.

The next morning it was really great to not only read people's kind messages to us, but also to read their goals.  These were some of them:

• place top 5 in 25-29 Age Group National Championship
• Read more books
• Finish Ironman Lake Placid in 11:35 to 16:59
• run a 5k (with no walking)
• help secure funding for the Achieve Kids Tri program
• get a tattoo
• complete a Tough Mudder race
• run 3 times weekly from April through August
• take good pictures of everyone else doing triathlons
• complete my first triathlon
• run for office - again
• have a balanced life
• organize 12 rooms in my house in 12 months
• put myself first once in a while
• save $125/week for old age
• spend more time with the kids
• love each other more (married couple)
• be able to do a pull-up

And so on.  Some really great goals!  Obviously some may seem more difficult to others, depending on where we're starting from.  Some goals are for physical health, some for financial health, others for relationships and others for personal growth.  Some of these goals will be reached (actually, most of them, I believe, since this is a particularly motivated group of people compared to the average population) but some won't.  Not for lack of motivation (as I said, they're all motivated people) but rather, because whether your goal is to read more books or to improve your marriage or complete your first triathlon, all goals need to be designed in such a way or we are setting ourselves up for failure.  

The same thinking that has led you to where you are is not going to lead you to where you want to go.

- Albert Einstein

I am a HUGE believer in goals.  I think goals are so necessary that I am convinced that if we were all avid goalkeepers, far fewer people would be on anti-depressants (actually, any medication really), divorced, broke, unfit, unhappy.  

The person who has no goal, who doesn't know where he's going, and whose thoughts must therefore be thoughts of confusion, anxiety and worry - his life becomes one of frustration, fear, anxiety and worry.  And if he thinks about nothing... he becomes nothing.

- Earl Nightingale

When you have goals that are specific, measurable, achievable, realistic and time-driven (SMART), and you have them written down in a place that you refer to at least 2-3 times/day, you are very unlikely to allow your relationships, your career, your bank account and your body, mind and soul languish in mediocre status quo.  If we aren't busy growing, we're busy dying and the same applies to our marriages, passions, finances, muscles, spirituality - you name it.  

Having a SMART goal and referring to it often works for several reasons:  it guides us when making all those little decisions we make every day, that lead to new habits; it gives us a sense of purpose and a feeling of control.  Let's take one of the above goals from my friends' list:  spend more time with the kids.  I don't know anyone who thinks they spend enough quality time with their kids.  Even a stay-at-home parent, when s/he really thinks about it, will admit that s/he feels s/he doesn't spend enough uninterrupted, focused time with each child.  As it stands now, the goal isn't SMART, so I see it as a resolution (to be broken) rather than as a goal. A SMART goal would look more like this:

Spend 30 minutes a day with the children - no electronics or phones, etc - and the children take turns picking the activity.

Going further, the goalkeeper may decide that every evening, 8:00-8:30pm, when all dishes are done, homework put away, and the kids are in pj's, there will be some quality time with the kids.  Could be snuggling, reading together, praying, playing Scrabble, whatever.  Studies show that when a behavior is done for 3 weeks, it now becomes a habit.  So do this for 3 weeks and now you have a positive, powerful habit of communicating with and enjoying your children.  Every time you have an opportunity to add another activity to your busy week, your decision will be easier as you can decide whether it will impact your new habit, and if it fits into your core values (putting family first).  Too often we are wandering adrift, without a clear focus of where we're going or where we want to be, and we end up feeling frazzled, out of control, and back where we started.  Not having goals in the major areas of our life - relationships, career, finances, health, personal development, spirituality - is the same as sticking your third-grader in Tokyo without a map or a destination for a few days.  He will have some adventures, have some fun, make some good decisions and some poor ones, and probably end up lost.  Furthermore, having SMART goals in each of the above areas gives you a roadmap for achieving the elusive "balanced life."  If you know where you want to be in each of these areas, you'll make much better decisions that will lead to feeling more balanced.  If one of your goals is to finish your first 5k race, running the whole way, on April 30th, and another goal is to save $125 per week, when your college friends invite you to a very tempting weekend in Las Vegas on March 15th, you can objectively analyze how this fits into your goals - and make the decision relatively easily.

So, it's January 1st, 2011 - turn those resolutions into SMART goals and get to work (and play)!

(P.S. I began this posting on Dec. 30th but I finished it today, Jan. 1st, because sitting at the computer while the family was awake was not congruent with my goal to spend quality family time over the holidays :-) )