Race to Nowhere

If you’ve seen the documentary The Race to Nowhere, you are aware that kids today are overwhelmed with stress.  Whether it is self-imposed, or it comes from their parents, or from college admissions requirements, or from soccer coaches, or from the various media with which they are bombarded every minute of the day, the phrase “carefree childhood” seems to be as quaint an idea as bringing liquids in your carry-on luggage. 

The local non-profit with which I am involved, S.M.A.R.T. (Southbury & Middlebury Acting Responsibly Together) screened the movie in order to increase awareness about what we are inadvertently doing to our kids, and to start a public dialogue about what we see as a major underlying cause of so many problems that plague our youth today:  depression, self-injury, substance abuse, etc.  You can pass as many laws as you like, and stick police dogs in the school halls, and medicate your kids up the wazoo, but all you’re doing is treating symptoms.  Not to say that your kid’s overloaded schedule is the only reason he’s flailing, obviously there can be many other factors (abuse, issues with divorce, misguided parenting, unhealthy lifestyle).  However, it’s my belief that a child who feels significant is not going to make disastrous choices.  And what makes a child, or anyone for that matter, feel significant is when she feels that she is contributing to something, that what she is doing matters, that she is connected to something, that she is understood.  When I look around me and see people shuttling their kids from one activity to the next, rush rush rush!, when any down time is spent in front of a screen of some sort, and when every waking moment of the day seems to be adult-orchestrated and managed, I can’t help but say, no wonder our kids are a mess.

Yes, No Child Left Behind is a disaster.  “Teaching to the test” has become a rallying cry for reform.  Kids are being crammed with information they need in order to pass the test, instead of learning skills they need to succeed in today’s and tomorrow’s global workplace.  The money a school district gets from the state and federal governments depends on kids’ scores on these tests, so there is a lot more than Sally’s self-esteem resting on the results of her tests.  Teachers feel the pressure to produce good test-takers and given the amount of worksheets that come home with our kids, there doesn’t seem to be much out-of –the-box teaching going on, which would appeal to our kids’ various learning styles and strengths. 

You can blame it on policy, on teachers’ unions, on all kinds of people and institutions.  And yes, writing to your political representatives and going to Board of Education meetings and making your voice heard is a great way to start to effect change.  Or you can always do the homeschooling option or if you’re loaded, enroll in private school (but both of those options come with all sorts of interesting baggage too).  But I really think that the most important change that we can all make immediately, which will have the biggest impact, is to be mindful of our choices as parents and as individuals.

Several people have complained to me about how intense the soccer and baseball programs are and how crazy the parents get.  When my son William (7) mentioned recently that he would like to try soccer, I thought, that’s not going to be very fun for him since all the other kids have been involved in Soccermania since age 3.  It’s crazy to me that children who may still be struggling to learn to read are already required to practice 3 times a week and then monopolize the family’s weekend plans with games.  Baseball games on Mother’s Day, tournaments on Memorial Day Weekend, missing church because of games – where did this come from?  Actually, I’ll tell you where it came from.  At some point in the evolution of parenting, we went from “thou shall be seen but not heard” to “I will do whatever it takes to make you feel good about yourself- and get you a free ride in college while we’re at it.”  It’s like a runaway train that most people want to stop but they’re not quite sure who’s driving it and they’re afraid to jump off, because as annoying and disruptive as it may be, it’s comfortable because it sometimes feels nice and there’s company in the misery.

In terms of the academics, our cookie-cutter education system has led to a system that caters to the student who would do well in any setting, while the majority of kids are either insufficiently challenged, or insufficiently engaged, or not given the chance to catch up developmentally.  If Jimmy is not thrilled to read chapter books by first grade, he had better be tested for learning disabilities and we better get him a tutor so that he doesn’t fall too far behind because then he’ll feel like a moron and his self-esteem will be in the toilet and he’ll hate school.  So now the parent must turn into the thorn in the principal’s side, demanding all sorts of testing so we can nip this in the bud, and everyone is stressed out, and little Jimmy now hates to read.  Meanwhile, he probably would have been just fine had he been allowed to hone his socializing skills during a full day of kindergarten, and spent less time being tested and more time learning how he learns best, during his first year  or two of school.

Alas, as parents we cannot change the system in a day or even a year.  Any time there is money and ego tied to a problem, finding and then implementing a solution is an enormous task.  Of course, we should do our best to get things rolling with that, but in the meantime I think every parent should ask him/herself these questions:

• As parents, what have we decided our family should stand for?  What are our core values?
• Does our daily life reflect those values?  If not, what can we cut out or add in?
• Do I know my child’s true essence?  What is he about?  Am I encouraging his uniqueness or squelching it?
• What does “herd mentality” mean to me?  How does it play into my decision-making?
• Am I truly my child’s advocate, or am I actually part of the (failing) system?  What are my honest intentions?

Yesterday on Facebook I posted the following status: 

So when did it become the sign of an 'involved parent' for parents to visit their kids' classrooms, volunteer in the classroom etc? It's become a new way to "keep up with the joneses" & to feel mommy guilt. If you teach your kids to be compassionate, hard working, honest & happy, you're involved. Volunteer in school because it brings you joy, not out of duty; & if it doesn't fit into your life, that's totally fine.

I was thinking the other day about how so many moms spend a lot of time in their kids’ schools.  It’s really hard not to feel inadequate compared to them if you’re a working mom or if you simply have other stuff you’d rather be doing than chaperoning a field trip or having lunch with your kid in the cafeteria.  At dinner the other night (yes, we have a family dinner every night, and if Bill’s traveling I still sit down with the kids in the dining room), Jackie (10) said, “Parents who are at school a lot are too involved.  They need to let their kids just figure out stuff.”  It got me thinking about what our intentions are.  At what point did being “involved in your child’s education” go from showing up for parent-teacher meetings and reading with your child at night, to taking time off from work or from tennis in order to prove to your child and the world that you care?  Of course, many moms participate because they really enjoy spending time with their kids and getting to know their kids’ classmates.  And I don’t know when it happened, but there are now official positions that need to be filled (classroom parent, all the various PTO committees).  I think it’s great that parents take leadership roles because when you look at schools in urban areas, lack of parental involvement is one of the biggest causes cited for failing kids.  However, at some point we need to ask ourselves, am I involved because Judy over there is always there for her kid and she makes me look bad, or because I want my kid to feel like I love her, or because I really don’t have that much else going on in my life (if that’s the case, you may want to give me a call)?

To me there appears to be this big disconnect in middle and upper class America.  When the kids are younger, the parents are hovering over them like flies on well, you-know-what.  Then they hit middle school and the PTO meetings become far less attended, the jocks have more practices but the non-Mia Hamms have nothing to do after school besides piles of meaningless homework, and the Race to Nowhere starts to kick in big time.  It doesn’t have to be this way.  You know how NIKE tells us to Just Do It?  Well, I say Just No It.  Model conscious, mindful decision making for your children.  If your child is supposed to be at practice 3 times a week, insist you’re only going twice.  If there is a tournament on Labor Day weekend and you had hoped to hit the beach, say NO.  If your child asks why you aren’t in school as much as Madison’s mom is, explain that you are happy to spend time with her before and after school, but school is a place for children to figure things out and to do their job as students.  If there is a call for local volunteers and you don’t feel it is in your heart or schedule to help out, say NO.  How can we expect our children to resist the pressure to join the meaningless race, when we are guilty of it ourselves?  Just No It.