Parent University

Saturday the Newtown Parent Connection, S.M.A.R.T. and the Brookfield Substance Abuse Coalition held the 4^th annual Parent University.  From 8:00am-1:15pm parents and any interested adult could attend seminars on topics that included bullying, internet safety, depression, transitioning from middle school to high school, what’s really going on in our towns (drugs), ‘tween & teen sexuality, and so on.  $5 and free babysitting!  I had my weekly yoga/run mom group I coach, so I was only able to attend the last session – but I’m glad I did.

The session I attended was “21^st Century Parenting with Challenging Children and Teens.”  It was taught by Charlie Manos, Director of Special Education & Support Services for Brookfield schools, who also has his own practice as a marriage and family therapist. 

Charlie talked about how much society has changed in the last few decades in terms of family dynamics and the place of the child in society.  In the 1950s there was a clear hierarchy.  Adults set the rules, the kids followed them, and if there was any disobedience there were consequences.  Parental authority was not questioned.  This changed in the 1970s and today, there is no hierarchy.  Children in many ways act as if they are equals to adults, and parents today usually need to be convinced (according to Charlie) that there should be a hierarchy.  It doesn’t help that even if a parent does think a certain way, she will often be challenged by her spouse or her own peers.  Things are no longer as clear as they used to be.

There are some positive sides of this.  Parents are communicating better with their children and taking into account feelings, self esteem, and so on.  Charlie described how there is a spectrum when it comes to the temperament we are born with, with fearful being on one end and risk taker on the other end.  In today’s parenting, with our tendency to be less authoritarian, we are more likely to be motivated to work with our child’s temperament, which is a good thing because when a parent’s temperament tends toward one end of the spectrum and the child’s temperament tends toward the opposite end, chaos can erupt.  Charlie pointed out that it’s important to understand our child’s temperament and communicate to our child that it’s okay to be that way, this way it doesn’t become a source of shame.

I admit that in spite of my involvement with S.M.A.R.T. (which has been rather minimal since the fall, when I focused on Ironman, my business, and my kids’ swim team practices), when I first saw the seminar offerings, my immediate reaction was, “my kids are young, I don’t need to know this stuff yet, and by the time I do need to know it the rules, threats and drugs will all be different.”  I did want to help out, though, and I was curious to see what this whole Parent U was all about, so after my class I took a quick shower and sped over.

Charlie’s class, like the others, was as expected, geared toward parents of middle schoolers and high schoolers.  However, I definitely got a lot out of it.  According to Charlie, the most common reasons for challenging behavior in children and teens are:

1. unclear, vague, and confusing rules
2. not keeping up with child’s/teen’s thinking (think of your child whom you’re certain would make a great lawyer or captain of the debate team)
3. button pushing (they know exactly how to frustrate us!)
4. power trip (kids wield power over their family by dictating the family mood, so the rest of the family tiptoes round to avoid upsetting the challenging child)
5. the pleasure principle (living in the moment, immediate gratification)
6. peer power (lacking a strong connection to the family, teens will rely on their peers for acceptance and will adopt the peer group’s values)
7. misuse of outside forces (parents are increasingly turning to counselors, shrinks, medication to “fix” their kids)

As any parent of a toddler, preschooler, grade schooler knows, this list is definitely applicable to parenting younger children. It was a great reminder for me to put my own parenting under a microscope.  I can certainly think of times that I have been inconsistent with rules, or Bill and I have been inconsistent.  Jackie (10) could certainly be a fantastic litigator (though I’d be very surprised if she went that route professionally, phew).  Both kids are expert button pushers and if we are tired, distracted, in a rush, etc we may as well be the Staples Easy Button.  On numerous occasions our activities have been dictated or influenced by “what would be less likely to result in a Royal Willo Tantrum?”

There were a couple of other important points Charlie made, that I took to heart.  He cautioned against giving your child constant lectures and sermons, which he says is the best way to get your child to tune you out and to break down the lines of communication, eroding parental authority.  I was very relieved to learn that now, before navigating the treacherous adolescent years, since I acknowledge I have already lectured each of them on topics related to peer relationships, household chores, work ethic, compassion, When Mami is on the Phone You Are to Go Mute, TV and Video Games Turn Kids Into Morons, and so on.  No more lectures. 

The other lesson was regarding strictness.  The list he gave us of common family problems included “Over Strictness.”  I raised my hand and asked, “I admit I’m extremely strict, certainly more than the average parent.  How do I know if I’m too strict?”  His answer was interesting.  He said that the parents need to figure out what their values and expectations are, and then communicate these to our kids.  If we are imposing rules out of fear, this will likely cause problems.  If, however, we set a foundation in our family based on the values that are important to us, and we in turn model those same values and rules, this will be much more effective.  I thought about the source of my strictness:  unlike many of my peers, I do not tolerate being interrupted by children (unless it’s an emergency), shouting or squealing indoors and certainly not in a car, refusal to try new foods, chewing with open mouths, whining, insulting a sibling, using my computer or cell phone, TV on week days, sleeping in the parental bed.  I have explained to the kids why these are important rules for us:  children are not equals to adults, and therefore have not yet earned certain privileges (computers, phones, etc), and must respect boundaries (I know, a growingly extinct concept).  We also travel quite a bit and I have explained to them that out of respect for other adults, they need to be able to be somewhere and control their impulse to be completely annoying.  Of course, as a result of this seminar, I now know that the correct approach is to explain all of this in a non-lecturing way, and to reply to their “fresh talk” with statements such as “I understand that makes you angry” instead of “don’t you dare talk to me that way.”  Getting back to the part about modeling desirable behavior – I need to control my impulse to say something hurtful or based on a power trip, or out of a desire to vent my anger – and instead figure out how to motivate my children, who are so very different from each other, to behave well.  I feel fortunate to have sat through Charlie’s class now, while my kids are still unguarded about their desire to please their parents.  If we try hard enough to be mindful parents now, hopefully we can avoid at least some of the problems that could appear further down the road.

Charlie gave us some interesting lists about Top Child & Teen Hot Buttons (e.g. talking in chapters: bring up the past to bolster your argument) and Five Toxic Behaviors That Can Poison a Parent/Child Relationship (e.g. attacking the person rather than the misbehavior) and Top Ten Parent Hot Buttons (“You never let me do anything!”) – and he commented on the lists and provided some more constructive approaches.  The bottom line is we need to be a strong parental team, decide what our values are and establish a foundation based upon those values, be mindful of our reactivity so we can try to act less out of emotion, develop a hierarchy of consequences and be consistent with it, “catch our kids being good,” as often as possible, work with our child’s temperament by coaxing them instead of shoving them the way we want them to be.

In conclusion, Parent University should be attended by parents of children of all ages - it is never too soon to learn how to prevent issues, or for that matter, what your babysitters may be doing in their spare time.  I expect to see every one of you (my local peeps) there next year!!