Our Youth Problem

While the White House & Louisiana are trying to figure out how to deal with the BP oil spill, our little town of Southbury has its own crise du jour with the sudden realization that by golly, children in our town actually smoke, drink & pop pills?! As is pretty typical with "nice" towns, local parents, administrators, members of the media, members of the local government, voters - have either been in denial or simply been ignorant of what is clearly an enormous problem. A beloved local priest pointed out that in his almost 40 years of priesthood, he's never buried as many youngsters in one town as he has in his last 7 years in Southbury. That was the sound byte that helped knock off people's blinders. Now there's a flurry of activity as drug-sniffing dogs will make surprise visits to the high school, drug awareness forums are being organized, local officials are starting to examine what the community actually has to offer tweens and teens besides a decent education.

My involvement in all of this has been a natural one, since when we first arrived in the US in 1986 and I was entering my senior year in high school (Madison, NJ), I thought gosh, there is NOTHING for teens to do in suburbia. I went to a party hosted by a classmate. No parents were around but there was plenty of alcohol and public displays of affection. And I thought, of course kids are doing this, what else are they going to do? Hang out at the Friendly's or the YMCA? Till 9pm and then what? That was 24 years ago and the town we're in now is like that town was back then. Southbury has no cinema. No art or music scene (venue). No skate park. The Parks & Rec department has classes for tots and classes for moms and nothing in-between. And it's certainly not a place that welcomes kids to come and hang out. Youth & Family Services, an old house down the hill from the high school, is (as far as I know) limited to therapeutic treatment - as opposed to its counterpart in Newtown, where kids are welcome to hang out after school and even skateboard in the parking lot. On a positive side, our relatively new library is a beautiful building and does offer teen book clubs.

"This town is sooooo boring." "There's nothing for teens to do here." Utterances commonly heard from the teens I've either coached, played ultimate frisbee with, or had in my various programs. Of course, teens will always complain of boredom - it's part of their repertoire. But it's about time someone listens to them and works with them to come up with a solution. After all, this is completely an adult-generated problem. Our town, like most of suburban America, has a highly structured, competitive sports program starting from preschool age. Sports are a big priority here. One of the local elementary schools held a fundraiser this spring and raised over $20,000 - to aerate a field. At the high school, $400/night goes to paying for the lights to be on in the field for the evening practices and games. But not everyone is a jock.

Last week at our weekly ultimate frisbee game, we had 4 kids join us. One high school senior and 3 college students. They were sprinting, leaping up, making incredible catches, diving, sliding... And yet when we were chatting afterwards about the Youth Problem, one of them said "I'm not athletic so there really isn't much in this town for kids like me." I was speechless. Not athletic????!!!! The 2 hours that these kids just spent sweating it out in a sport that's as vigorous as a soccer match, and they don't think of themselves as athletic? But that's part of the problem. These days, if you're not willing to commit to frequent practices and games, which ends up being a huge commitment for the whole family, since lots of driving is usually involved - then you're SOL as far as sports go. I'm always thrilled when I see kids playing hoops at the local park after school, 2-2 or 4-4, because that to me is what sports should be about. It's not about paying mounds of money for equipment, playing time, league fees, etc. Then it just becomes another job. Sure, there's a place for that - for the odd kid who will one day have a chance at going pro, or for the kids who genuinely want to go to college on an athletic scholarship.

When I was talking to Father Joe about the Youth Problem, he said one of the biggest problems we have here is the OVERabundance of activities for kids. At first I was puzzled since I thought it was the opposite but then I realized he was referring to the obsessive sports culture here. What I envision as a big move toward a solution to the problems that plague our bored, under-stimulated and over-stressed out youth is a venue where they can channel their creative, social energy. I half jokingly said during a meeting the other day "kids today are in many ways better off living in the 'hood - at least then they have access to community centers such as the YMCA, Girls Inc, Boys & Girls Club etc." Kids are shepherded from one commitment to the next until they hit middle school. Then the non-jocks are weeded out, Girls/Boys Scouts is no longer cool, religious families can resort to faith-based youth groups but non-practicing families are left to their own devices, dance & theatre are available to the very committed (and the families who can afford these).

In the meantime, children are being given cell phones, computers, and plenty of time to use these unsupervised. Right now I have an hour when I should be vacuuming but instead I'm blogging. If I had had these tools at my disposal as a 15 year old, my adolescence would probably have been a very different one in many ways. We assume that kids are connected more than ever but the opposite has occurred. Their relationships with peers, family members and so on are increasingly becoming less about meaningful face-to-face interactions, working together to solve problems or discuss issues. I don't think they feel like people listen to them, which is an interesting dilemma since judging from what I see most people doing today as parents, they lead a completely child-centered existence while the kids are in grade school. The whole weekend revolves around soccer games and birthday parties. Discipline is inconsistent, parents are over-compensating because they feel guilty about the divorce, or the work hours. So kids run the show. And then they hit puberty and while they're dealing with all of that, suddenly the adults in their life are no longer supporting them. We're saying (maybe) get off the computer, get active - oh, but you can't skateboard anywhere. Do your homework/hang out with better friends/stop stressing, relax/stop being so lazy! Mixed messages, perhaps not role modeling the way we should be, and as a community, not following through on meeting the expectations we had set up for them when they were Little Leaguers with plenty of places and times to play. Now that Little Leaguer has decided baseball isn't for him, but he has so much potential, where can he explore that?

a bit of controversy

With a jolt I just realized that we've been home 3 weeks now. I'm pretty sure 3 weeks didn't fly by this quickly in Vieques! Having the kids back in school, and a house with all of its demands to take care of, and photography clients to tend to, a summer program to organize, yoga classes to teach, triathlons to train for, friends to keep in touch with, Girls Circles to plan, trips to organize, Spanish classes to teach, kids to tutor, people to coach, a husband to acknowledge, clutter to purge, a puppy to keep out of trouble, summer camps in which to enroll the kids, multiplication facts to ingrain, books to read, magazines to work through, school work to plow through, playdates to arrange, emails to sift through... and the list goes on. Not exactly the Vieques Way! Somehow, though, I'm not at all stressed out and I manage to stay relatively peaceful. Insomnia, which tends to plague me, has kept at bay and I easily sleep 6+ hours, unless I set my alarm at 5am or so to work or workout before anyone's up.

In spite of the long list of Things I Do, I have streamlined our schedule since Vieques. I have not enrolled the kids in any after school activities, which is probably regarded by many as unhealthy or odd, but I find we are very happy to be "free" from 4pm on, and have the weekends basically up to our own devices. I admittedly don't know how this will play out in the fall. If Willo decides he absolutely MUST practice some sport because one of his friends does, I suppose we'll give him the chance. He tried soccer twice in the past. The first time, he never got anywhere near the ball, as everyone else was older and running circles round him, and Bill ended up accidently hurtling a ball at Willo's face and that was the end of that for a couple of years. The second time he did soccer, although he was no longer the smallest on the team, he was still the least adept (ok, a bit of a spaz) and since the Snack Person would invariably bring what I consider crap, he started looking forward to the juice boxes and twinkies (or equivalent) rather than the sport. The whole experience frustrated me, since I couldn't understand why parents would think that 5-year-olds are incapable of going 1.5 hours without food? And it would just spoil his lunch. Then there's the whole intensity thing. Having to practice, and then have weekend games. Growing up in Mexico, from what I can recall, you did your after school sports at school. Parental chauffering was minimal. Games were after school, on week days. I know I'm totally selfish here, but I fully admit that the thought of watching my kids hacking it out at some sport on a morning that I could be out with a group of positive adults, biking & running - or an afternoon that the 4 of us could be out biking, or my kids biking and me running alongside (great way to train!) - well, it's just not appealing to me. Especially when I think of all the times my kids wanted to do something, I signed them up (and invested in it), only to have to force them away from whatever they were doing and into the car.

I know there's the popular thought that "Ava is really good at macramé and if we don't encourage her and jump on it now, it will be too late." There may be some truth in that. After all, Malcolm Gladwell in his book The Outliers says that it takes 10,000 hours for someone to really kick ass at something. The Beatles, Tiger Woods, NHL hockey players - 10,000 hours of practice (and being in the right place at the right time) got them to where they are. But at what price? I think of our kids. Jackie definitely has an affinity for performing on stage. She absolutely loves doing it and according to people who've seen her or worked with her, she's got a lot of potential. Or Willo. I see the way he loves to swim, bike - and do anything artistic. So yes, there's the temptation to sign them up for this and that, to help them develop their talents and indulge their desires to do what they enjoy. But then I look at other families, who spend their weekends going from soccer to lacrosse to wrestling to birthday parties, repeat - and think, you know what? If my kids do indeed have those talents, then they can get a jump start during summer camp, and engage in it casually during minimum-strings activities during the school year. The top female soccer player in the world, from Brazil, started playing when she was 12. I really don't think that burning out the kid or the family is the only road to success (in fact, if you ask me, that's the antithesis of success).

Speaking of controversial topics in parenting, a couple of times this week, certain conversations have come up with acquaintances & friends, that made me think of how overly sensitive of a society we have become. In the fall, when I was running for office, a very unpleasant email came my way by someone who had misinterpreted something I had said on Facebook months earlier. As the parent of an autistic child, she misread something I said about education and was very offended. Fortunately, months later she sent me her scathing email and I was able to explain my intended message and all was smoothed out. This week something similar happened, where someone confessed that a couple of years ago, she had been offended by something I had said when I spoke out about our tendency to solve all our problems with medication (instead of resorting to, or coupling it with, lifestyle & attitude changes). And then I spoke with someone who is on the polar opposite of this ideology spectrum and homeschools her kids, doesn't vaccinate, as a nutritionist believes that our processed diets are at the root of many ills (which we treat with medications & special programs)... And it became clear to me that it's all a shame. Instead of engaging in productive dialogue, a true exchange of ideas, we parents immediately feel the hair on the back of our neck stand up as we take it all personally. Surely, we think, if she is telling me that officials' insistence that we vaccinate our children is a way to control the masses, but it's really not in the best interest of our children - then surely she's implying that I am incapable of being an independent thinker, and I am a bad parent for not seeking more information and doing what's "best" for my child? And my gosh, she must be a freak! That's the thing - we all have our own realities, our way of seeing the world, and this filter is shaped by our own life experiences. A highly structured weekend revolving around organized sports may be ideal for some families, especially if their situation is such that they must cling to anything that resembles consistency. The above average public school may pale in comparison to the education a homeschooled child receives, but if it's going to drive the mom batty and she will have to sacrifice activities and interests that are deeply important to her, then homeschooling may not be the best thing for her family.

A big part of my lessons with teen girls involves the "don't take anything personally" attitude. As adults, we can all stand to work on that attitude, which Don Miguel Ruiz explains so eloquently in his book The Four Agreements. If I say, "I see no need for my children to have cell phones," I am not criticizing your providing your kids with what I see as a problem-solver that can easily become a problem-creator. Only you know your context, and you may indeed feel that your child's safety depends on a cell phone, for whatever reason. Parenting is such a personal thing, and we have so much vested into how we approach parenting, discipline, our values, and so on, that it's very hard to take a step back and really listen to other people, if they don't do things the way we do, or share the same opinions. It's well-known that speaking of religion, politics and sex is like venturing through a minefield in Vieques. But I'd say that unless you're in a group where values & beliefs are on bumper stickers, such as La Leche League or the NRA, it's very easy to offend people without even being aware you're doing so and certainly without your intending anything of the sort. Ah, if only we women weren't such ruminants! I do dream of a day when we can all work together, forgive each other for miscommunications; where we can speak our mind without being attacked for semantics (I still pause before saying 'African American' since I'm not always sure if someone may be Dominican American or Cuban American or Haitian American or British, especially if they haven't yet uttered a word), where we can celebrate each other's differences and not be intimidated or threatened by others' successes or joy! That will be the day that we really do change the world...

1 week down

It's Mother's Day and we've been back in CT for about a week. The first few days I felt a tad disoriented and thought often of people who go away for military service or out into space, and return a while later to pick up where they left off. It reminded me of when I spent my college junior year in France and returned to New Jersey (Rutgers). When we left on Feb. 1, there was snow on the ground, we hadn't had time to take down all our Christmas/winter decorations (they went up late since my Ironman Cozumel trip went into December), and I had been on the brink of giving away our tremendously high maintenance puppy. When we returned, it was to a beautiful green landscape, shorts & tanks, Penny had somehow matured into a much calmer dog that could actually walk by one of Willo's toy dinosaurs without mistaking it for a chew toy. The Christmas decorations were still up.

We got back Friday evening and Saturday the kids had an audition, Sunday we had our kick-off ultimate frisbee game, Monday I had a photo shoot lined up, and another on Tuesday. The kids had medical and dental appointments, but they didn't start school until Tuesday/Wednesday since they weren't allowed back in until the pediatrician had filled out the Blue Form, ascertaining their status as healthy, vaccinated, TB-negative kids. All those actions I normally perform without thinking - unloading the dishwasher, putting away Jackie's clean socks, shifting from Park to Drive - now required a few seconds of conscious thought. Where do the mugs go? Gear thingy is on the steering wheel, not between the seats. Oh shoot, that's the panties drawer. Reminded me of the joke of "why didn't the blonde get a coffee break? Because she'd have to be retrained afterwards."

I was very sad to leave Vieques - its rustic beauty will forever be imprinted upon my hard drive (8,000 photos!) and my heart; most of all, the relationships I forged there were the kind that will be impossible to replicate. It took me 6 years in CT to develop what I consider "true friends" and yet, I consider my Vieques friends, some of whom I only knew for a few days, to be in that category. Vieques tends to draw people who are adventurous, nonconformist, curious, active, drawn to the "road less traveled." Free from the obligations of kids' extra curricular insanity I mean activities, a gym schedule, duties such as errands - getting together was a frequent, frequently spontaneous happening. In CT, if I want to see a friend, we both have to look at our calendars and after awhile decide "in 3 weeks I have a window between 1-1:25 pm, I'll pencil you in." I'm as guilty of it as the next person. In fact, by Monday my calendar started piling up as photo shoot requests started coming in, and I'm gearing up for the new Achieve Triathlon Camp for kids, for which I'll be the head coach this summer.

My life here is decidedly more isolated than it was in VQS. There, people often just popped in, either because they were in the area, or they wanted to do laundry, or ask me to take care of their dog, or have a beer while watching the puppies frolic... Here, we all keep to ourselves, which I honestly don't mind. Most of my work takes place at my desk on the computer, as I work on post-shoot stuff, as I write, research, etc. I love being alone. But I also loved the surprise visits in VQS, and I miss that. Of course, if you're going to surprise me here, the house is bigger so please don't judge me if my laundry is in a pile or there's some similar mess.

For Mother's Day the kids gave me these incredible pieces of pottery they had made in VQS. One of my favorite people in the world, Sarah Cook, is an incredible potter (I know she's going to be famous) and our last week there, she took the kids from me to make "surprise" gifts for me. They each made a bowl (unfortunately Willo's exploded in the kiln) and a plate, using local plants, with their handprint in the middle. Just awesome. Bill made me my favorite breakfast (Eggs Benedict) and gave me 2 books. Here's an excerpt from one of them:

"In our mothers' day there were good mothers, indifferent mothers, and occasionally, great mothers. Today we have only Bad Mothers: if you work, you're neglectful; if you stay home, you're smothering. If you discipline, you're buying them a spot on the shrink's couch; if you let them run wild, they will be into drugs by 7th grade. Is it any wonder so many women refer to themselves at one time or another as a 'bad mother'?"

- Ayelet Waldman, "Bad Mother"

Newsweek describes the book as "hilarious, heartbreaking, and edgy." I can't wait to read it.

The other book is a compilation of essays by some the best triathletes in the world, with my idol, Natascha Badmann, on the cover. As I return to my life as Tri Mom, and the challenge of negotiating a life of mothering, wifing, training & working, this book should help inspire me.

Speaking of triathlons, today I taught Willo to ride a bike without training wheels. Willo is already 6.5, so it's about time he get with the program. Last year he was too chicken - I let go of him, he went a ways without falling, and when he realized I'd let go he fell and never wanted to go without training wheels again. Today I told him, if you ride your bike today I'll buy you a new bike next weekend. He climbed on the bike, I gave him a push, and off he went. And that was that. I laughed, shaking my head, thinking back to when Jackie started to walk finally at 20 months (she'd been potty trained by 18), and how Willo doesn't want to work on reading. I was thinking about how with my kids, when they decide they want to do something they just do it with no fanfare and never look back. And then I thought, well, that's what we're all like. It's all about a decision, right? You want to quit smoking? Get in shape? Learn a new language? Become more spiritual? Get the right job? It's not a matter of character. It's a matter of making The Decision.

When Willo decides he's sick of not knowing how to read, that'll be the day he starts chapter books. I have a feeling it's right around the corner.

OK, off to play some ultimate frisbee :)