a bit of controversy

With a jolt I just realized that we've been home 3 weeks now. I'm pretty sure 3 weeks didn't fly by this quickly in Vieques! Having the kids back in school, and a house with all of its demands to take care of, and photography clients to tend to, a summer program to organize, yoga classes to teach, triathlons to train for, friends to keep in touch with, Girls Circles to plan, trips to organize, Spanish classes to teach, kids to tutor, people to coach, a husband to acknowledge, clutter to purge, a puppy to keep out of trouble, summer camps in which to enroll the kids, multiplication facts to ingrain, books to read, magazines to work through, school work to plow through, playdates to arrange, emails to sift through... and the list goes on. Not exactly the Vieques Way! Somehow, though, I'm not at all stressed out and I manage to stay relatively peaceful. Insomnia, which tends to plague me, has kept at bay and I easily sleep 6+ hours, unless I set my alarm at 5am or so to work or workout before anyone's up.

In spite of the long list of Things I Do, I have streamlined our schedule since Vieques. I have not enrolled the kids in any after school activities, which is probably regarded by many as unhealthy or odd, but I find we are very happy to be "free" from 4pm on, and have the weekends basically up to our own devices. I admittedly don't know how this will play out in the fall. If Willo decides he absolutely MUST practice some sport because one of his friends does, I suppose we'll give him the chance. He tried soccer twice in the past. The first time, he never got anywhere near the ball, as everyone else was older and running circles round him, and Bill ended up accidently hurtling a ball at Willo's face and that was the end of that for a couple of years. The second time he did soccer, although he was no longer the smallest on the team, he was still the least adept (ok, a bit of a spaz) and since the Snack Person would invariably bring what I consider crap, he started looking forward to the juice boxes and twinkies (or equivalent) rather than the sport. The whole experience frustrated me, since I couldn't understand why parents would think that 5-year-olds are incapable of going 1.5 hours without food? And it would just spoil his lunch. Then there's the whole intensity thing. Having to practice, and then have weekend games. Growing up in Mexico, from what I can recall, you did your after school sports at school. Parental chauffering was minimal. Games were after school, on week days. I know I'm totally selfish here, but I fully admit that the thought of watching my kids hacking it out at some sport on a morning that I could be out with a group of positive adults, biking & running - or an afternoon that the 4 of us could be out biking, or my kids biking and me running alongside (great way to train!) - well, it's just not appealing to me. Especially when I think of all the times my kids wanted to do something, I signed them up (and invested in it), only to have to force them away from whatever they were doing and into the car.

I know there's the popular thought that "Ava is really good at macramé and if we don't encourage her and jump on it now, it will be too late." There may be some truth in that. After all, Malcolm Gladwell in his book The Outliers says that it takes 10,000 hours for someone to really kick ass at something. The Beatles, Tiger Woods, NHL hockey players - 10,000 hours of practice (and being in the right place at the right time) got them to where they are. But at what price? I think of our kids. Jackie definitely has an affinity for performing on stage. She absolutely loves doing it and according to people who've seen her or worked with her, she's got a lot of potential. Or Willo. I see the way he loves to swim, bike - and do anything artistic. So yes, there's the temptation to sign them up for this and that, to help them develop their talents and indulge their desires to do what they enjoy. But then I look at other families, who spend their weekends going from soccer to lacrosse to wrestling to birthday parties, repeat - and think, you know what? If my kids do indeed have those talents, then they can get a jump start during summer camp, and engage in it casually during minimum-strings activities during the school year. The top female soccer player in the world, from Brazil, started playing when she was 12. I really don't think that burning out the kid or the family is the only road to success (in fact, if you ask me, that's the antithesis of success).

Speaking of controversial topics in parenting, a couple of times this week, certain conversations have come up with acquaintances & friends, that made me think of how overly sensitive of a society we have become. In the fall, when I was running for office, a very unpleasant email came my way by someone who had misinterpreted something I had said on Facebook months earlier. As the parent of an autistic child, she misread something I said about education and was very offended. Fortunately, months later she sent me her scathing email and I was able to explain my intended message and all was smoothed out. This week something similar happened, where someone confessed that a couple of years ago, she had been offended by something I had said when I spoke out about our tendency to solve all our problems with medication (instead of resorting to, or coupling it with, lifestyle & attitude changes). And then I spoke with someone who is on the polar opposite of this ideology spectrum and homeschools her kids, doesn't vaccinate, as a nutritionist believes that our processed diets are at the root of many ills (which we treat with medications & special programs)... And it became clear to me that it's all a shame. Instead of engaging in productive dialogue, a true exchange of ideas, we parents immediately feel the hair on the back of our neck stand up as we take it all personally. Surely, we think, if she is telling me that officials' insistence that we vaccinate our children is a way to control the masses, but it's really not in the best interest of our children - then surely she's implying that I am incapable of being an independent thinker, and I am a bad parent for not seeking more information and doing what's "best" for my child? And my gosh, she must be a freak! That's the thing - we all have our own realities, our way of seeing the world, and this filter is shaped by our own life experiences. A highly structured weekend revolving around organized sports may be ideal for some families, especially if their situation is such that they must cling to anything that resembles consistency. The above average public school may pale in comparison to the education a homeschooled child receives, but if it's going to drive the mom batty and she will have to sacrifice activities and interests that are deeply important to her, then homeschooling may not be the best thing for her family.

A big part of my lessons with teen girls involves the "don't take anything personally" attitude. As adults, we can all stand to work on that attitude, which Don Miguel Ruiz explains so eloquently in his book The Four Agreements. If I say, "I see no need for my children to have cell phones," I am not criticizing your providing your kids with what I see as a problem-solver that can easily become a problem-creator. Only you know your context, and you may indeed feel that your child's safety depends on a cell phone, for whatever reason. Parenting is such a personal thing, and we have so much vested into how we approach parenting, discipline, our values, and so on, that it's very hard to take a step back and really listen to other people, if they don't do things the way we do, or share the same opinions. It's well-known that speaking of religion, politics and sex is like venturing through a minefield in Vieques. But I'd say that unless you're in a group where values & beliefs are on bumper stickers, such as La Leche League or the NRA, it's very easy to offend people without even being aware you're doing so and certainly without your intending anything of the sort. Ah, if only we women weren't such ruminants! I do dream of a day when we can all work together, forgive each other for miscommunications; where we can speak our mind without being attacked for semantics (I still pause before saying 'African American' since I'm not always sure if someone may be Dominican American or Cuban American or Haitian American or British, especially if they haven't yet uttered a word), where we can celebrate each other's differences and not be intimidated or threatened by others' successes or joy! That will be the day that we really do change the world...