Race to Nowhere

If you’ve seen the documentary The Race to Nowhere, you are aware that kids today are overwhelmed with stress.  Whether it is self-imposed, or it comes from their parents, or from college admissions requirements, or from soccer coaches, or from the various media with which they are bombarded every minute of the day, the phrase “carefree childhood” seems to be as quaint an idea as bringing liquids in your carry-on luggage. 

The local non-profit with which I am involved, S.M.A.R.T. (Southbury & Middlebury Acting Responsibly Together) screened the movie in order to increase awareness about what we are inadvertently doing to our kids, and to start a public dialogue about what we see as a major underlying cause of so many problems that plague our youth today:  depression, self-injury, substance abuse, etc.  You can pass as many laws as you like, and stick police dogs in the school halls, and medicate your kids up the wazoo, but all you’re doing is treating symptoms.  Not to say that your kid’s overloaded schedule is the only reason he’s flailing, obviously there can be many other factors (abuse, issues with divorce, misguided parenting, unhealthy lifestyle).  However, it’s my belief that a child who feels significant is not going to make disastrous choices.  And what makes a child, or anyone for that matter, feel significant is when she feels that she is contributing to something, that what she is doing matters, that she is connected to something, that she is understood.  When I look around me and see people shuttling their kids from one activity to the next, rush rush rush!, when any down time is spent in front of a screen of some sort, and when every waking moment of the day seems to be adult-orchestrated and managed, I can’t help but say, no wonder our kids are a mess.

Yes, No Child Left Behind is a disaster.  “Teaching to the test” has become a rallying cry for reform.  Kids are being crammed with information they need in order to pass the test, instead of learning skills they need to succeed in today’s and tomorrow’s global workplace.  The money a school district gets from the state and federal governments depends on kids’ scores on these tests, so there is a lot more than Sally’s self-esteem resting on the results of her tests.  Teachers feel the pressure to produce good test-takers and given the amount of worksheets that come home with our kids, there doesn’t seem to be much out-of –the-box teaching going on, which would appeal to our kids’ various learning styles and strengths. 

You can blame it on policy, on teachers’ unions, on all kinds of people and institutions.  And yes, writing to your political representatives and going to Board of Education meetings and making your voice heard is a great way to start to effect change.  Or you can always do the homeschooling option or if you’re loaded, enroll in private school (but both of those options come with all sorts of interesting baggage too).  But I really think that the most important change that we can all make immediately, which will have the biggest impact, is to be mindful of our choices as parents and as individuals.

Several people have complained to me about how intense the soccer and baseball programs are and how crazy the parents get.  When my son William (7) mentioned recently that he would like to try soccer, I thought, that’s not going to be very fun for him since all the other kids have been involved in Soccermania since age 3.  It’s crazy to me that children who may still be struggling to learn to read are already required to practice 3 times a week and then monopolize the family’s weekend plans with games.  Baseball games on Mother’s Day, tournaments on Memorial Day Weekend, missing church because of games – where did this come from?  Actually, I’ll tell you where it came from.  At some point in the evolution of parenting, we went from “thou shall be seen but not heard” to “I will do whatever it takes to make you feel good about yourself- and get you a free ride in college while we’re at it.”  It’s like a runaway train that most people want to stop but they’re not quite sure who’s driving it and they’re afraid to jump off, because as annoying and disruptive as it may be, it’s comfortable because it sometimes feels nice and there’s company in the misery.

In terms of the academics, our cookie-cutter education system has led to a system that caters to the student who would do well in any setting, while the majority of kids are either insufficiently challenged, or insufficiently engaged, or not given the chance to catch up developmentally.  If Jimmy is not thrilled to read chapter books by first grade, he had better be tested for learning disabilities and we better get him a tutor so that he doesn’t fall too far behind because then he’ll feel like a moron and his self-esteem will be in the toilet and he’ll hate school.  So now the parent must turn into the thorn in the principal’s side, demanding all sorts of testing so we can nip this in the bud, and everyone is stressed out, and little Jimmy now hates to read.  Meanwhile, he probably would have been just fine had he been allowed to hone his socializing skills during a full day of kindergarten, and spent less time being tested and more time learning how he learns best, during his first year  or two of school.

Alas, as parents we cannot change the system in a day or even a year.  Any time there is money and ego tied to a problem, finding and then implementing a solution is an enormous task.  Of course, we should do our best to get things rolling with that, but in the meantime I think every parent should ask him/herself these questions:

• As parents, what have we decided our family should stand for?  What are our core values?
• Does our daily life reflect those values?  If not, what can we cut out or add in?
• Do I know my child’s true essence?  What is he about?  Am I encouraging his uniqueness or squelching it?
• What does “herd mentality” mean to me?  How does it play into my decision-making?
• Am I truly my child’s advocate, or am I actually part of the (failing) system?  What are my honest intentions?

Yesterday on Facebook I posted the following status: 

So when did it become the sign of an 'involved parent' for parents to visit their kids' classrooms, volunteer in the classroom etc? It's become a new way to "keep up with the joneses" & to feel mommy guilt. If you teach your kids to be compassionate, hard working, honest & happy, you're involved. Volunteer in school because it brings you joy, not out of duty; & if it doesn't fit into your life, that's totally fine.

I was thinking the other day about how so many moms spend a lot of time in their kids’ schools.  It’s really hard not to feel inadequate compared to them if you’re a working mom or if you simply have other stuff you’d rather be doing than chaperoning a field trip or having lunch with your kid in the cafeteria.  At dinner the other night (yes, we have a family dinner every night, and if Bill’s traveling I still sit down with the kids in the dining room), Jackie (10) said, “Parents who are at school a lot are too involved.  They need to let their kids just figure out stuff.”  It got me thinking about what our intentions are.  At what point did being “involved in your child’s education” go from showing up for parent-teacher meetings and reading with your child at night, to taking time off from work or from tennis in order to prove to your child and the world that you care?  Of course, many moms participate because they really enjoy spending time with their kids and getting to know their kids’ classmates.  And I don’t know when it happened, but there are now official positions that need to be filled (classroom parent, all the various PTO committees).  I think it’s great that parents take leadership roles because when you look at schools in urban areas, lack of parental involvement is one of the biggest causes cited for failing kids.  However, at some point we need to ask ourselves, am I involved because Judy over there is always there for her kid and she makes me look bad, or because I want my kid to feel like I love her, or because I really don’t have that much else going on in my life (if that’s the case, you may want to give me a call)?

To me there appears to be this big disconnect in middle and upper class America.  When the kids are younger, the parents are hovering over them like flies on well, you-know-what.  Then they hit middle school and the PTO meetings become far less attended, the jocks have more practices but the non-Mia Hamms have nothing to do after school besides piles of meaningless homework, and the Race to Nowhere starts to kick in big time.  It doesn’t have to be this way.  You know how NIKE tells us to Just Do It?  Well, I say Just No It.  Model conscious, mindful decision making for your children.  If your child is supposed to be at practice 3 times a week, insist you’re only going twice.  If there is a tournament on Labor Day weekend and you had hoped to hit the beach, say NO.  If your child asks why you aren’t in school as much as Madison’s mom is, explain that you are happy to spend time with her before and after school, but school is a place for children to figure things out and to do their job as students.  If there is a call for local volunteers and you don’t feel it is in your heart or schedule to help out, say NO.  How can we expect our children to resist the pressure to join the meaningless race, when we are guilty of it ourselves?  Just No It.

Parent University

Saturday the Newtown Parent Connection, S.M.A.R.T. and the Brookfield Substance Abuse Coalition held the 4^th annual Parent University.  From 8:00am-1:15pm parents and any interested adult could attend seminars on topics that included bullying, internet safety, depression, transitioning from middle school to high school, what’s really going on in our towns (drugs), ‘tween & teen sexuality, and so on.  $5 and free babysitting!  I had my weekly yoga/run mom group I coach, so I was only able to attend the last session – but I’m glad I did.

The session I attended was “21^st Century Parenting with Challenging Children and Teens.”  It was taught by Charlie Manos, Director of Special Education & Support Services for Brookfield schools, who also has his own practice as a marriage and family therapist. 

Charlie talked about how much society has changed in the last few decades in terms of family dynamics and the place of the child in society.  In the 1950s there was a clear hierarchy.  Adults set the rules, the kids followed them, and if there was any disobedience there were consequences.  Parental authority was not questioned.  This changed in the 1970s and today, there is no hierarchy.  Children in many ways act as if they are equals to adults, and parents today usually need to be convinced (according to Charlie) that there should be a hierarchy.  It doesn’t help that even if a parent does think a certain way, she will often be challenged by her spouse or her own peers.  Things are no longer as clear as they used to be.

There are some positive sides of this.  Parents are communicating better with their children and taking into account feelings, self esteem, and so on.  Charlie described how there is a spectrum when it comes to the temperament we are born with, with fearful being on one end and risk taker on the other end.  In today’s parenting, with our tendency to be less authoritarian, we are more likely to be motivated to work with our child’s temperament, which is a good thing because when a parent’s temperament tends toward one end of the spectrum and the child’s temperament tends toward the opposite end, chaos can erupt.  Charlie pointed out that it’s important to understand our child’s temperament and communicate to our child that it’s okay to be that way, this way it doesn’t become a source of shame.

I admit that in spite of my involvement with S.M.A.R.T. (which has been rather minimal since the fall, when I focused on Ironman, my business, and my kids’ swim team practices), when I first saw the seminar offerings, my immediate reaction was, “my kids are young, I don’t need to know this stuff yet, and by the time I do need to know it the rules, threats and drugs will all be different.”  I did want to help out, though, and I was curious to see what this whole Parent U was all about, so after my class I took a quick shower and sped over.

Charlie’s class, like the others, was as expected, geared toward parents of middle schoolers and high schoolers.  However, I definitely got a lot out of it.  According to Charlie, the most common reasons for challenging behavior in children and teens are:

1. unclear, vague, and confusing rules
2. not keeping up with child’s/teen’s thinking (think of your child whom you’re certain would make a great lawyer or captain of the debate team)
3. button pushing (they know exactly how to frustrate us!)
4. power trip (kids wield power over their family by dictating the family mood, so the rest of the family tiptoes round to avoid upsetting the challenging child)
5. the pleasure principle (living in the moment, immediate gratification)
6. peer power (lacking a strong connection to the family, teens will rely on their peers for acceptance and will adopt the peer group’s values)
7. misuse of outside forces (parents are increasingly turning to counselors, shrinks, medication to “fix” their kids)

As any parent of a toddler, preschooler, grade schooler knows, this list is definitely applicable to parenting younger children. It was a great reminder for me to put my own parenting under a microscope.  I can certainly think of times that I have been inconsistent with rules, or Bill and I have been inconsistent.  Jackie (10) could certainly be a fantastic litigator (though I’d be very surprised if she went that route professionally, phew).  Both kids are expert button pushers and if we are tired, distracted, in a rush, etc we may as well be the Staples Easy Button.  On numerous occasions our activities have been dictated or influenced by “what would be less likely to result in a Royal Willo Tantrum?”

There were a couple of other important points Charlie made, that I took to heart.  He cautioned against giving your child constant lectures and sermons, which he says is the best way to get your child to tune you out and to break down the lines of communication, eroding parental authority.  I was very relieved to learn that now, before navigating the treacherous adolescent years, since I acknowledge I have already lectured each of them on topics related to peer relationships, household chores, work ethic, compassion, When Mami is on the Phone You Are to Go Mute, TV and Video Games Turn Kids Into Morons, and so on.  No more lectures. 

The other lesson was regarding strictness.  The list he gave us of common family problems included “Over Strictness.”  I raised my hand and asked, “I admit I’m extremely strict, certainly more than the average parent.  How do I know if I’m too strict?”  His answer was interesting.  He said that the parents need to figure out what their values and expectations are, and then communicate these to our kids.  If we are imposing rules out of fear, this will likely cause problems.  If, however, we set a foundation in our family based on the values that are important to us, and we in turn model those same values and rules, this will be much more effective.  I thought about the source of my strictness:  unlike many of my peers, I do not tolerate being interrupted by children (unless it’s an emergency), shouting or squealing indoors and certainly not in a car, refusal to try new foods, chewing with open mouths, whining, insulting a sibling, using my computer or cell phone, TV on week days, sleeping in the parental bed.  I have explained to the kids why these are important rules for us:  children are not equals to adults, and therefore have not yet earned certain privileges (computers, phones, etc), and must respect boundaries (I know, a growingly extinct concept).  We also travel quite a bit and I have explained to them that out of respect for other adults, they need to be able to be somewhere and control their impulse to be completely annoying.  Of course, as a result of this seminar, I now know that the correct approach is to explain all of this in a non-lecturing way, and to reply to their “fresh talk” with statements such as “I understand that makes you angry” instead of “don’t you dare talk to me that way.”  Getting back to the part about modeling desirable behavior – I need to control my impulse to say something hurtful or based on a power trip, or out of a desire to vent my anger – and instead figure out how to motivate my children, who are so very different from each other, to behave well.  I feel fortunate to have sat through Charlie’s class now, while my kids are still unguarded about their desire to please their parents.  If we try hard enough to be mindful parents now, hopefully we can avoid at least some of the problems that could appear further down the road.

Charlie gave us some interesting lists about Top Child & Teen Hot Buttons (e.g. talking in chapters: bring up the past to bolster your argument) and Five Toxic Behaviors That Can Poison a Parent/Child Relationship (e.g. attacking the person rather than the misbehavior) and Top Ten Parent Hot Buttons (“You never let me do anything!”) – and he commented on the lists and provided some more constructive approaches.  The bottom line is we need to be a strong parental team, decide what our values are and establish a foundation based upon those values, be mindful of our reactivity so we can try to act less out of emotion, develop a hierarchy of consequences and be consistent with it, “catch our kids being good,” as often as possible, work with our child’s temperament by coaxing them instead of shoving them the way we want them to be.

In conclusion, Parent University should be attended by parents of children of all ages - it is never too soon to learn how to prevent issues, or for that matter, what your babysitters may be doing in their spare time.  I expect to see every one of you (my local peeps) there next year!!

116 of my life rules

I’m a quote freak. I love reading quotes, and sending those I find meaningful to people I think may also get something out of them. I’ve decided to come up with my own list. The following quotes include a few that I’ve loved, as well as a bunch I came up with myself. I have drawn from life experiences, observations I’ve made, and lessons I’ve learned through my voracious reading. They span all sorts of subjects and mostly involve parenting, business, finding fulfillment, athletics, marriage, money. Some may be politically incorrect, many are probably controversial. You will agree with some, disagree with others. But just remember, don’t take anything personally (see #42 and #39 below). If you read something and say “Hey! I’m offended!” then I just urge you to examine yourself and your life in terms of that particular quote, and try to wonder objectively if there isn’t an ounce of truth in it… and if after that, you decide I don’t know what I’m talking about, that’s totally fine. Also, keep in mind that I am faaaaaaaaar from perfect myself and I have to work on many of these on a daily basis. Anyway, enjoy!

1. Hill repeats will fix a lot of problems in your run stride.  It's hard to run up hill successfully if your balance, positioning and focus are off.  Same goes for life.  When we are in an "uphill climb," such as when we are hit by health, financial, relationship, job, or really any crisis - is when we examine our posture and either make corrections or turn a half-mile hill into an endless steep climb.
2. Mentor a child. There are far too many children out there who lack a meaningful and positive relationship with an adult. It doesn't take much time and it is often the biggest difference between the child who ends up in jail and his friend who ends up in college.
3. Volunteering is one of the best ways to beat the blues and lose weight. Really - it's been proven. Note: I'm not talking about volunteering at your kid's school. I'm talking about helping with a cause that's all about YOU and your non-parent identity. Soup kitchen, local race, local political campaign, women's shelter, kids' hospital, retirement home... Whatever strikes your fancy, where you can hone those skills of yours, feel significant, and put your problems into perspective.
4. Our country's problems are not because of this or past administrations, or because of greedy CEO's, or because God isn't in school. It all boils down to one reason: lack of reverence toward life. Our life, others' lives, nature. I suppose some people would equate that with God, but all too often that argument becomes too filled with religious dogma. Therefore, I call it reverence for life. I suppose it's what's so appealing to me about Ironman. It is exhilarating to be among people who defy the odds and their negative inner critic and outer naysayers, and spend hours, days, weeks, months, years training for an accomplishment that is more than a medal, or a finish line. It's an experience where you are revering life, the wonder of it, and you are sharing it with hundreds or thousands of others who get it. Although I've yet to participate in these other "crazy" sports, I imagine the same holds true for mountaineers and ultraracers. Basically, any activity that requires extreme commitment, sacrifice, endurance, getting out of your head and into the flow. When you make this a part of your life, it's kind of hard to not let this reverence seep into other areas of your life.
5. There is no reason why your children cannot endure a short (under an hour) car ride without a DVD playing, a restaurant meal without a screen & keypad, a soccer practice without a snack (fresh fruit is acceptable). If you have low expectations for your children, that's exactly what they will give you.
6. Take supplements. In powder or liquid form. Your body only absorbs maybe 10-20% of multivitamin pills, so they're a waste of money. Women of childbearing age need extra calcium in their diets or their teeth & bones get soft (trust me - been there, done that). Take "greens" - powdered mixes of vegetables, fruit, flax seed, probiotics, etc. Mix it in a shake and you've got your daily fruit & vegetable requirements. The ones I use are from Life Force International and I (knock on wood) have spent the last 5 years, since using them, feeling better and more energetic than I did when I was 20.
7. The best thing a college student can do is study abroad. Preferably in a foreign language, but England is still acceptable. Being an ex-pat will broaden the student's horizons intellectually, culturally and socially. She may get a little behind in terms of college credits but that is a small price to pay for the unforgettable memories and friendships she will forge. And she will be much more interesting - and interested - for having done this.
8. When you pull out onto a street, or turn into a street, parking lot or driveway, ALWAYS look both ways. You never know when a cyclist, runner, skater or walker is about to cross your path.
9. If you shake your head at the sense of entitlement today's youth has, look in the mirror. Do you drive a Hummer? Eat crap? Cut off cyclists? Hog the left lane? Allow your unruly children to run around a restaurant? Blame the government for your problems? Complain about the way things are, but do nothing constructive to change them? Toss your cigarette butts wherever you see fit? Complain to your kid's teacher that her grade or disciplinary action was unfair? Let your kids get away with a minimal amount of chores? Allow your children to think that a cell phone, computer use, remote control, etc are rights and not privileges? Use plastic bags at the supermarket on a regular basis? Say you don't have time to work out/read a book/help the needy...? We don't have a youth problem, we have an adult problem (to quote my great friend & mentor, Bill Milliken).
10. Another reason to love triathlon: you are very likely to compete against world class athletes, who appear on TV, compete in the Olympics, are on the covers of magazines. If you're a golfer, you're probably not going to ever be in the same tournament as Tiger Woods. But I can swim, bike & run with the top triathletes in the world. And meet them. And get a photo with them. And host them in my home. Not because I excel at triathlon, but because that's just the way the sport is. Same as running, as anyone who's done a world class marathon like Boston or NY will tell you.
11. In everything you do.... SMILEPACE! When I race, I go as fast as I can while maintaining a smile on my face. So much in life is optional, even stress. I'm not a big fan of anything I find boring, painful or unpleasant. But it turns out that a lot of stuff we have to do falls into those categories. So when it comes to life stuff, I focus on the end result and try to find the positive. And find a way to make it fun, or at least less unpleasant. When training & racing, I keep things in perspective. If it's not fun, then I should find something else to do. After all, it's not like dialysis, which is not optional (unless of course you want to die). So I find a way to make it fun, a reason to keep smiling. Sometimes, like during the 6 hours on my bike in my basement dungeon, it's the thought that "I've lost it, this is nuts," which will elicit a cackle out of me. Usually, it's the reminder that "I woke up today in a healthy body, with a fantastic family, we lack for nothing and we live in an incredible country." We all have something for which to be thankful. Find yours - and smile.
12. Before becoming a parent, I'd see - and hear - certain kids that would make me think, "that kid could sure use a spanking!!" Now I'm a parent my views have changed. Instead, I usually think, "those parents could sure use a spanking!!"
13. We are rarely motivated by joy or pleasure to make significant changes. It is human to settle for mediocrity, to rest comfortably in the status quo, as lame and detrimental as that may be. The prospect of looking like a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model or being debt-free or happy will not motivate most of us to make some changes. Usually it takes a brush with catastrophe to get us off our asses. A heart attack, a diagnosis of pre-diabetes, a spouse's affair, a child's death, a repossessed car. Most people who received this link will not read this list, and most people who do read it will make zero changes.
14. Humans were born to run. In terms of evolution, we were designed to outrun our prey. If we are dis-eased it’s because we aren’t running (enough). (For further information, pick up Born to Run: A Hidden Tribe, Superathletes, and the Greatest Race the World Has Never Seen by Christopher McDougall).

2. You are fat/unhappy/broke [fill in the blank] because you want to be. If you say you want to be thin/happy/rich [fill in the blank] you would be disciplined and make different choices.

3. Positive thinking and self-affirmations, without plans, goals and action amount to nothing but delusion.

4. Triathlon involves five disciplines, not three. Swim, bike, run, eat and think. You can swim, bike and run till the cows come home but if you don’t learn the best way to fuel your body, and you don’t prepare yourself mentally, you will never achieve your full potential. Preparing yourself mentally includes having a plan for when things do not go according to plan, training smart by including rest and recovery, visualizing the goal while you train, and picking a meaningful reason for doing this so that when your motivation lags, you have something to haul you back on the bike (at 5:00am).

5. There is a difference between worry and preparation. Preparing means thinking ahead and having a Plan B and C. Worrying is the equivalent of praying for the worst. Being prepared takes away worry.

6. Your income will be the average of the earnings of your five closest friends (Jim Rohn).

7. Clean out the rolodex. Get rid of emotional vampires. Get over your guilt – those complaining, negative, whiny, critical drama queens will find another martyr. You deserve better.

8. Helicopter parenting is not only annoying, it’s terrible for your child’s development. Your child needs to make mistakes, get hurt, experience adversity. Do your kid – and society – a favor and let the kid build character and coping skills.

9. Eschew herd mentality and teach your kids to do likewise. Just because “everyone has/does” it (gives kids cell phones, wears Abercrombie & Fitch, plays soccer, drives a fancy car, vacations in Disney, has sex (teens), eats crap, watches crap…) doesn’t mean it’s a good idea. In fact it probably isn’t.

10. Treat people as if they are already behaving the way you want them to behave. This works on your toddler, husband and everyone in between.

11. It is never too late to do what will make you happy. Learn a new hobby, go back to school, fix/leave a relationship, move, finish an Ironman… Chronological age is irrelevant.

12. People who don’t have goals are likely to get caught up in unhealthy behavior and very likely to be depressed. We need goals in the following areas: health, relationships, career, finances, hobbies, parenting. And these must be written down and checked on daily!

13. Living a balanced life is a myth. Successful people live passionate lives and passion is not balanced. Each day the balance tips this way and that. The key is to feel that overall, you are spending time and resources on your priorities.

14. Read. Everyday. Especially on personal development. Others have already made the mistakes, found the solutions, and written about them. Read, take notes, incorporate the lessons into your own life. Here is a list of some of my favorites:

• Drive by Daniel H. Pink
• The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle
• Have a Little Faith by Mitch Albom
• The Power of Intention by Wayne Dyer
• Your Kids are Your Own Fault by Larry Winget
• Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey
• From Me to We by Craig & Marc Kielburger
• A Purpose-Driven Life by Rick Warren
• Think & Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill
• The Tipping Point by Malcolm Gladwell
• The Art of Power by Thich Nhat Hahn
• The Go-Giver by Bob Burg & John David Mann
• The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz
• The Answer by John Assaraf & Murray Smith
• Born to Run by Christopher McDougall
• New Earth by Eckhart Tolle
• Reviving Ophelia by Mary Pipher (for parents of girls)
• Real Education by Charles Murray
• Change Your Brain Change Your Life by Daniel Amen
• The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho
• The Middle Place by Kelly Corrigan (chick lit)
• Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert
• My First 100 Marathons by Jeffrey Horowitz
• The Biology of Belief by Bruce Lipton
• A Framework for Understanding Poverty by Ruby K. Payne
• The E Myth Revisited by Michael E. Gerber
• Excuses Begone! By Wayne Dyer
• Jesus Was a Liberal by Scotty McLennan
• Deepak Choprah's books
• Success Magazine
• The Mommy Manifesto by Kim Lavine
• Devotion by Dani Shapiro
• The Last Dropout by Bill Milliken
• Clearing the Mommy Fog by Susanne Navas :)

15. Avoid energy gels, drinks or bars unless exercising over 2.5 hours (if you are currently doing so, don’t go cold turkey – wean yourself). Definitely don’t give kids energy drinks unless they are endurance athletes or unable to ingest anything else due to illness; I’m convinced our childhood obesity epidemic is at least partially to blame on this stuff.

16. Staying in a miserable marriage “for the kids’ sake” is stupid. Work on yourself and work on your marriage, with sincere effort – or split up. An unhappy parent is more damaging than a part-time parent.

17. Teach your kids to save, invest, contribute to charity and spend wisely. Do not assume your kids will learn how to manage money. And don’t assume they don’t need to know about your financial problems. It’s a great teaching moment.

18. Forgiveness is not a sign of weakness. It’s the strongest, most liberating thing you can do.

19. Never, if possible, take your ex to court. Is the money and revenge worth the stress and the negativity and the lessons it teaches your kids? Becoming happy, peaceful and successful is much better revenge.

20. Context is the basis of compassion. Instead of judging someone, put yourself in their context. It doesn’t excuse abuse, infidelity, crime, stupidity – but the world needs more compassion. Refusing to judge someone doesn't mean you condone their behavior.

21. Order of importance: 1) self 2) marriage 3) children. Too often people reverse this order, leading to depression, divorce, and/or messed-up kids.

22. Stay in the present. With 2 exceptions: financial decisions and parenting. Will your short-term fix bite you in the ass later?

23. Know that whatever you are going through, you can be sure that at least one person you know is going/has gone through the same.

24. Eat at least four servings (handfuls) of broccoli per week and you’ll avoid most cancers (provided you don’t smoke).

25. Avoid buying your kids video games. Every socially inept boy over the age of 2 I’ve ever met has daily screen time. I don’t need a study to point out the correlation.

26. NEVER allow your child to interrupt adults unless it’s a medical or other emergency.

27. Teens and the elderly have a lot in common. They don’t perceive themselves as being considered important contributors to society (and society doesn't do much to change this perception), and they are increasingly addicted to drugs (and dying from it). Reach out to them and engage them.

28. Staying in your comfort zone is bad for your health. Only through discomfort do we evolve. Take a risk every day. Surprise yourself.

29. Walt Disney had it half right. If we dream it we can do it – but only with great sacrifice and a ton of hard work (10,000 hours according to Malcolm Gladwell).

30. Leave places cleaner than you found them. Pick up trash along your run route.

31. If all you talk about with your friends/spouse is what your kids are doing, or gossip, or what happened on The Bachelorette last night, you’re boring and need to broaden your interests. On the flip side, if you work outside the home and all you talk about is work - get a hobby.

32. You do not need to be in a place of worship to experience deep spirituality. Also, some of the most godlike people I’ve met never go to church, while some of the meanest people I’ve met are “religious.”

33. NEVER talk about dieting or cosmetic surgery in front of girls. 80% of ten-year-old girls think they’re fat. While some of this is because of what they hear from their peers, more of it is because you’re watching The Today Show and complaining about your thighs while the girls are in the house.

34. Diets don’t work. Lifestyle changes do.

35. If you’re looking for a significant other, think about what your ideal mate would like to do for leisure. Then go there. Hint: if you’re looking for an enlightened go-getter, hit the local Wayne Dyer seminar instead of the sports bar happy bar.

36. PLEASE don’t send Christmas newsletters. All that paper is bad for the environment. Nobody cares what your kid, dog, or Bob the Builder husband did this year. (Note: if you can come up with a summary of the embarrassing things your kids said about you at school, that would probably be well-received).

37. It’s “triathlon” not “triathalon” and “definitely” not “definately”.

38. If you do nothing else, teach your kids (or make sure someone teaches them) great manners, to read, swim, handle money, do what they love, be compassionate, eat healthy, love exercise, and converse with anyone.

39. Dig that chip out of your shoulder. We have become so overly sensitive that people who are only trying to help (politicians, school administrators, anyone with a brain and an activist’s heart) spend more time and energy tempering their message and apologizing or explaining why they won’t apologize, than working on their original mission.

40. Your kids have their own crib/bed for a reason. No matter what Dr. Sears and other Helicopter Parents tell you, just remember this: your short-term decision can (will) impact the long-term situation. Your child nees to learn to fall asleep on his own and you need a sacred, kid-free zone. Of course, if you enjoy having a kid or two wedged between you and your spouse every night, this should tell you something about your marriage…

41. If you’re divorced, this does not give you license to spoil your kids by showering them with gifts, keeping them up past their bedtime, allowing them to rule the coop and trod all over reasonable boundaries. Do your kids – and society – a favor and take your burden of guilt to the confessional booth.

42. Don’t take things personally. What I (or anyone) say and do reflects my experiences up to now. If I say “homeschooling may be great academically but provides children with too homogenous a social environment” this is not a personal attack on your worth as a parent. It just means I don’t believe it’s a good idea from what I’ve seen.

43. Friends are crucial to our wellbeing, and unlike family, can be selected. So nurture your friendships.

44. Do not count on a significant other as a source of happiness. You must first be happy with yourself. A significant other is merely icing on the cake.

45. Do not watch the news. Starting the day with the morning news and/or ending it with the evening news will do nothing for your intellect and will only make you grumpy.

46. You are more negative than you think. Don’t believe me? Write down every thought for one day. I guarantee you about half will be neutral (e.g. today is Tuesday), about 40% will be negative (e.g. I’m going to be late, I can’t believe how crowded the pool is, it’s raining again??!, how will I ever get through this to do list…) and maybe 10% will be positive (e.g. oh good, it's late enough to crack a beer).

47. If you are exercising and not losing weight (if this is your goal), then you are overestimating your calorie burn and underestimating your caloric intake.

48. If you want to get in shape and don’t know what exercise to take up, look around. If you like runners’ bodies, run. If you admire dancers’ bodies, dance. If you envy aquasizers’ bodies… you get the drift.

49. Do not medicate your ADHD child. First try this: unplug him. Remove all TV, video, Nintendo, wii, cell phone, computer. Throw out all candy, refined, highly processed foods. Enforce early bedtime and outside play. Do this for three months. If there is zero improvement, then, and only then, consider drugs.

50. Use a netipot. It is more effective than cold or allergy medication, has no side effects, and it’s cheap. Use it preventively during cold, flu & allergy seasons, and use it once you start to feel congested.

51. Before allowing your child to play football, read Dr. Amen’s book “Change Your Brain, Change Your Life.”

52. Cheerleading is athletic, and a staple of American culture. That does not mean it’s good for your daughter’s dignity, body image and self-esteem.

53. Just because a food is labeled “whole grain” “natural” “low fat” “low sugar” “organic” “healthy” – does not mean it’s good for you or low calorie.

54. Raising more than one child is the hardest thing you’ll ever do. Everyone tells you how wonderful kids are. But nobody tells you how frustrating and annoying it is. People who say it’s easy are either shitty parents, on the Mommy Pill, have a nanny or have older kids and poor long-term memory.

55. Triathlon is the perfect family sport. The entire family can train and compete together. Races will make you travel to places you wouldn’t have seen otherwise. Grandparents can compete alongside grandkids.

56. Some people say you should live together before marriage. I’d add you should travel together. When you’re outside your comfort zone and need to cope with new challenges, is when you really see a person’s character.

57. You can’t change a lot of situations life throws your way. But you can change how you look at them. Funny thing is when you change your attitude toward it, the situation usually changes.

58. You can’t change a person. No matter what your pastor tells you – preaching about Jesus, homeschooling, breastfeeding, healthy eating, etc. will be counter-productive. It’s best to exude joy and peace. People will wonder what your secret is, and come to you. No one likes militant preaching.

59. The more keys on your key ring, the more headaches (lesson attributed to my dad, the awesome John Hobson).

60. The 40-44 female age group is the most competitive for women in triathlon. I believe this is because when women turn 40, they finally decide to make their health and happiness a priority. And their kids are in school full-time.

61. I’d rather ask for forgiveness than permission.

62. It is now scientifically proven, through quantum physics, that we are not dictated by our biology. Our PERCEPTION overrules our DNA. And this applies to parenting. If we treat our kids differently because they are sick, handicapped or otherwise “special” – we are adding to their negative self-perception. (See The Biology of Belief by Bruce Lipton and Think & Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill).

63. If you smoke one pack of cigarettes a day, at $11/day (the price in NY starting in September 2010), you will spend $4,015/year on your habit.

64. Support your local business people every chance you get.

65. Pretend you’re on a reality show. Would you want national TV audiences to see you behaving that way? Think about this when you’re about to indulge in a pint, a rant or someone else's pants.

66. Vision boards work. Post self-affirmations and pictures of what you want to accomplish and/or accumulate onto a cork board and place it in a prominent place. Every time you get the chance to act toward these goals, do it. You’ll see how stuff starts happening…it's not voodoo, it's focus.

67. Before posting something on Facebook, Twitter, My Space, etc., ask yourself: if my significant other, employer, prospective employer, father, student, teacher, constituent, priest, daughter, etc. sees this, will I regret it?

68. The class of 2020 will face a very different job market from the one we see today, in terms of career options and requirements. Spanish will be the dominant “foreign” language, critical and analytical thinking will be required, and one of the hottest careers will be Tattoo & Piercing Removal (notably of those disgusting huge holes in ear lobes).

69. Every mom needs a periodic girls weekend.

70. When a couple has a baby, the mom’s life is forever altered. In general, dad’s body is still his, dad’s identity is still tied to his job, his social circle is pretty intact. Mom’s identity, work and social circle become unrecognizable unless she makes a concerted effort otherwise. A good man puts Monday Night Football and his golf game on hold. A great man kicks his wife out of the house once a week and does the laundry.

71. Do you really expect your kid to ignore peer pressure when you get a boob job, wear crocs, allow co-ed sleepovers for your high schooler, scramble to get the latest fad? Peer pressure isn’t as much overt insistence, it’s usually the subtle suggestion that “doing this” or “having this” makes you cool. Kids base their values on their parents’ values – and actions speak far louder than words.

72. NEVER tell a girl she looks or is fat.

73. There is no such thing as a bad kid or dog. Just a bad parent or master.

74. If you want a dog, adopt a rescue dog. And only get a dog if tossing fistfuls of $50 bills down the toilet doesn’t give you a heart attack.

75. Wear a helmet, a seat belt, and sunscreen.

76. Don’t let your daughter date a biker who doesn’t wear a helmet. Chances are the moron doesn’t protect his other head either.

77. If you love a book, email the author. She’ll be flattered and you may start a new, meaningful relationship (this is how I came to be mentored by one of the kindest, smartest, most wonderful men I’ve ever met).

78. Don’t waste your breath trying to convince someone about issues such as abortion rights, gay marriage, immigration rights, etc. Basically anything political or religious. You will not change their minds and you will end up annoyed. The only way people change their minds short of a lobotomy is through a major life experience.

79. “stressed” is “dessert” spelled backwards

80. 95% of illness and disease can be attributed to stress. Get rid of it.

81. You can find a study to back you up no matter what your position is.

82. Never put a TV or computer with internet access in your child’s room.

83. We all need to work harder on seeing the Big Picture. We are so focused on our immediate surroundings and instant gratification, that as parents, politicians, leaders, medical professionals, etc, we often end up solving one problem and causing three new ones.

84. Humans are social creatures. Even those of us who consider ourselves to be loners, crave the sense of belonging and unity that comes with identifying with a group. This is why kids join gangs, fraternities, teams. Why adults are more successful at kicking bad habits through AA and weight loss groups, and sticking to good habits with a triathlon or running group.

85. It is much more effective to pull people toward a positive endeavor or belief, than to fight a negative one. It’s why the war on drugs is ineffective. “Just say no” to drugs rings hollow if you don’t provide a fun, healthy alternative and draw people to it. Focusing on the negative puts energy into it.

86. If you are a jealous, possessive significant other, it’s just a matter of time before you lose your partner. Back off, work on making yourself someone your partner finds irresistible and your worst fears are far less likely to come true.

87. Never pass up the chance to take your kids on a trip, even if it means missing school. The world provides more valuable lessons than anything on a blackboard (or Smart Board).

88. Every high schooler should consult with a life and career coach, saving a fortune otherwise wasted on focusing on the wrong career or major.

89. If your daughter is seeing someone, and starts to spend much more time in her room, or dresses differently, starts doing her hair and makeup differently, her appetite changes, her friends change or disappear – chances are very good that she is being abused. Depending on the study you read, between 20-50% of teen girls are abused. Talk to her. Even if she’s not being abused, she’s not happy, and she’s dying (perhaps literally) to talk to someone!

90. Music has the power to calm a screaming baby or a ranting mom, unite foreigners who share no other common language, motivate a runner, make people happier, sadder, richer, smarter, dumber. Music is food for the soul. Make sure you enjoy a healthy tune diet.

91. If you’re going to put your baby on her back to sleep, be aware that she’s at great risk of developing a flat head. Figure out how to avoid this!

92. Give your baby at least ten minutes of tummy time per day so she develops upper body strength.

93. If your newborn is colicky, take him to the chiropractor. Babies’ spines can suffer trauma in utero and during birth, and sometimes a few adjustments will do the trick. They’re never too young for chiropractic treatment (of course, like with all practitioners, find a good one).

94. Women in general are the world’s most under-utilized, under-appreciated natural resource. If we spent less energy feeding our petty insecurities and more energy applying our limitless intelligence and resourcefulness toward helping less fortunate mothers and children, we could quickly solve many of the world’s greatest problems.

95. Nobody is too young, poor, old, busy, dumb, sick or untalented to change the world.

96. The rich spend 10% on self-improvement, and that is one way they got rich. Books, further education, coaches, seminars, etc. The richer they get, the harder it is to do this. Curiosity may have killed the cat, but suppressing your own curiosity will surely kill your chances of reaching your true potential.

97. Changing your mind is not just a woman’s prerogative, neither is it a sign of fickleness and indecisiveness. When we become more educated and experienced, changing our position is a natural consequence.

98. DO sweat the small stuff. But that doesn’t mean, stress over petty stuff you won’t remember two weeks, months or years from now. It means, every little thing adds up. Every habit – good and bad – started with one small positive step – or excuse.

99. I’m always suspicious of a perpetually immaculate household. It’s usually the sign of an unhealthy woman and/or marriage, unless there’s a regular housekeeper. (And if you drop into my home unexpectedly, I will remind you of this when your eyes wander to my pile of laundry).

100. Employees and students require three things in order to thrive: 1) autonomy – the feeling they have decision-making power and some element of control; 2) mastery – the sense that they are improving, mastering a challenge; 3) purpose – what they are doing or learning is meaningful and relevant. (See Drive by Daniel H. Pink). If your child is unmotivated at school, or you are unhappy at work - chances are at least one of these is missing.

101. When your kid tells you he wants to be a painter, dancer or writer when he grows up, never tell him to pursue something more “sensible” or lucrative. If he fans his inner spark by following his passion, ignores naysayers and works his ass off, he’ll succeed. And waste less of your money and his money on med school, rehab and divorce lawyers.

102. Most women do not (if they are to be honest with themselves) find true fulfillment in the daily tedium of caring full-time for babies and household, years on end. Much post-partum depression would be cured with part-time work (paid or volunteer), help with household chores, and a daily workout as soon as the post-partum body says it’s ok. Waiting six weeks to go for a walk is nonsense if you feel up to it; and a doctor who tells you to do so is probably getting kick-backs from the antidepressant drug manufacturer.

103. Traditional doctors are myopic and enslaved to insurance and drug companies. They are trained to find problems, not to prevent them in the first place. Avoid them by being proactive about your family’s health, and practicing prevention. (Note: obviously there are some great doctors out there, this is a general statement).

In sum…

Live with intention.

Walk to the edge.

Listen hard.

Practice wellness.

Play with abandon.

Laugh.

Choose with no regret.

Continue to learn.

Appreciate your friends.

Do what you love.

Love as if this is all there is.

- Mary Anne Radmacher

puppies, tampons & heaven

Yesterday the kids didn't have school (at Oasis) so I decided that rather than tackle fractions, multiplication tables, phonics and the like, we would have a swim lesson followed by an Exercise in Patience, Charity & Good Samaritanism, and Going With The Flow 101. The swim lesson was great, as Willo now swims as well as Jackie, and yesterday we worked more on their breathing technique (in freestyle). And I got to cool off from my extremely hot run. After breakfast I finally got through to the Humane Society, who told me to go right on over with my 2 puppies who are traveling to CT on the 26th, for their examination. We rushed out the door with Negrita & Feisty (who has been named Janessa by Lili, the 6 yr old girl who is waiting for her in Torrington, CT, who with her mom looked up popular names for Puerto Rican girls and that was Lili's favorite). Although we were the 1st ones there, we had to wait an hour because the vet didn't arrive for another half hour or so, and the dog that arrived after us with what looked like a humongous tumor in her side got priority (fine with me). While we waited (the Exercise in Patience, a very tough one for Willo), I discovered 5 more little puppies. Apparently they also had been abandoned. They look just like Negrita & Janessa ("Jess")! There are 2 males and 3 females in the batch. The kids of course begged me to take them home but the staffers at the Humane Society agreed to keep them alive and not euthanize them before letting me know (I guess they realize I'm serious about this puppy saving thing). Anyway, the vet checked out our 2 jet setting pups and gave them the thumbs up so I left with my certificates, as well as a list of the vaccines they were given, so I could give this list to the new owners of Daisy & Honey. We drove over to Esperanza to give Emily (Daisy's new owner) the list, and the instruction to bring her back for round 2 of shots on 3/25, as well as a flea collar Saint Stephanie had brought from New Haven. We found Daisy taking a peaceful nap in between 2 mountain bikes at the Black Beard store while Emily tended to customers. All seemed perfect with them. Since we had 2 pups with us I suggested we walk along the Malecon for a bit, to see if anyone else would be interested in a pup. At this point, Jess & Negrita are merely for advertising purposes, since they've got their flights booked. Several gringos here on vacation stopped us but it soon became clear to me that the Humane Society has completely missed the mark on something. These people would have happily taken a puppy home with them but the problem is they're leaving this weekend - not enough time since they need the paperwork to be completed exactly 10 days before their flight, according to some stupid PR law. Last night, while having dinner with a friend of ours who works at the W and is on the board of directors for the HS, I asked her why the heck this isn't advertised? If it were up to me, I'd do some guerilla campaign, well, first about the whole sterilizing thing (for locals) but also, for visitors, about how easy it is for them to help these animals simply by taking them back to the US with them, where they have a much better chance to get adopted. After all, anyone coming to Vieques goes online to do some research - the HS should put a photo of one of these puppies with the caption "HELP ME" and then talk about how you can make a difference without having to make any long term commitments. Anyway, she didn't have anything really to say about my question, since she says that the HS claims to be doing its job with marketing. Um, I beg to differ. Proof: I just posted an announcement on Craigslist, and this was the only one from Vieques. *SIGH* As Bill would say, "well, it is all volunteer-based..."

After lunch, I dragged my content-to-be-at-home-in-the-air conditioning kids out to the Humane Society again, this time with no pups in tow, just my Canon 40D (I rarely take it out these days, since it's a mental burden compared to my iPhone & waterproof point-&-shoot). We went into the pen where the 5 new orphans are kept, and took pictures of them. Then we went into the main part of the HS to take a few pictures of some older dogs, and there we met Gretchen, who was there with 3 friends, looking to adopt dogs. Gretchen came over and asked me if I wasn't the one looking for a home for some puppies? I said yes, I am, but there are 5 more right there, pointing in the direction of their pen. Her friend had picked a year-old shephard mix, but Gretchen was leaning towards a puppy. Their other friends, Anthony & Katrina, were just along for support. They ended up deciding to come back to my house to meet Negrita, but being Bohemian youngsters from Martha's Vineyard, with no set itinerary of any sort, they didn't have a car. So all 6 of us piled into the Jeep (2 squeezed in the back with all my beach paraphernalia) and we came to our place. Anthony told me that he and Katrina are the reggae band that plays at Lazy Jack's on Friday & Monday nights. Their manager back home promised them several gigs here, decent money, and they were jipped and got neither. So they're living on $100/week. Yikes. Anyway, Gretchen fell in love with Negrita (who wouldn't) but decided not to jump into anything as her future is a bit unstable. I reminded her that while it's wise to not let ourselves be carried away by our emotions, when it comes to having children or adopting animals, if you go by rational thought alone no one would do either. I then gave them a ride back to the other side of the island so they wouldn't have to shell out the $10 cab fare. Gretchen is coming back on Saturday, as it turns out she's a licensed masseuse, but hasn't done it here in Vieques as she didn't bring a table. Suddenly I remembered there's a massage table in our closet, so I'm going to get her some customers. The W is scheduled to open in 8 days and there are a lot of very stressed out people round here (including/especially Bill)!

This morning, when not brainstorming about solving the Puppy Problem, or how to make $$ while over here, I was thinking about what I consider one of the best things about our time over here. Because our days are so unstructured, and I don't spend endless hours doing errands (there's nowhere to errand here) and shuttling round kids (activities are limited to Oasis and beach), I get to spend a lot of time just Being With Them. Sure, this has its definite downside in the form of sibling warfare and - well, that's pretty much it - but one of the many plus sides is that I've gotten to know the kids even more, through their conversation and questions. Just in the last day, these are the types of questions/comments I've had to field:

"why do women need tampons?"

"can you explain stocks to me?"

"why is Microsoft Word so stupid?"

"what's asthma?"

"what animal does bacon come from?"

"what did you study in college, and what did you want to do with it?"

"I'm going to adopt babies when I grow up, because 1) it hurts too much to give birth and 2) I want to do something good. And they will be either from China or from India"

"I hope the Humane Society workers are married to men who make good money, because they probably don't make much money themselves even though what they do is so important"

"why can't we have heaven here, why do we have to die first?"

Etc... As you can imagine, some interesting conversations! Alright, must go fix some lunch and feed the 3 puppies still in my custody. Please be an angel and forward the link to my blog to everyone you know, to spread the word about the Puppy Situation. People do not have to commit to taking in a puppy, they can simply find out if their local shelter would take one, if it's no-kill. Thank you!!!!!