Race to Nowhere

If you’ve seen the documentary The Race to Nowhere, you are aware that kids today are overwhelmed with stress.  Whether it is self-imposed, or it comes from their parents, or from college admissions requirements, or from soccer coaches, or from the various media with which they are bombarded every minute of the day, the phrase “carefree childhood” seems to be as quaint an idea as bringing liquids in your carry-on luggage. 

The local non-profit with which I am involved, S.M.A.R.T. (Southbury & Middlebury Acting Responsibly Together) screened the movie in order to increase awareness about what we are inadvertently doing to our kids, and to start a public dialogue about what we see as a major underlying cause of so many problems that plague our youth today:  depression, self-injury, substance abuse, etc.  You can pass as many laws as you like, and stick police dogs in the school halls, and medicate your kids up the wazoo, but all you’re doing is treating symptoms.  Not to say that your kid’s overloaded schedule is the only reason he’s flailing, obviously there can be many other factors (abuse, issues with divorce, misguided parenting, unhealthy lifestyle).  However, it’s my belief that a child who feels significant is not going to make disastrous choices.  And what makes a child, or anyone for that matter, feel significant is when she feels that she is contributing to something, that what she is doing matters, that she is connected to something, that she is understood.  When I look around me and see people shuttling their kids from one activity to the next, rush rush rush!, when any down time is spent in front of a screen of some sort, and when every waking moment of the day seems to be adult-orchestrated and managed, I can’t help but say, no wonder our kids are a mess.

Yes, No Child Left Behind is a disaster.  “Teaching to the test” has become a rallying cry for reform.  Kids are being crammed with information they need in order to pass the test, instead of learning skills they need to succeed in today’s and tomorrow’s global workplace.  The money a school district gets from the state and federal governments depends on kids’ scores on these tests, so there is a lot more than Sally’s self-esteem resting on the results of her tests.  Teachers feel the pressure to produce good test-takers and given the amount of worksheets that come home with our kids, there doesn’t seem to be much out-of –the-box teaching going on, which would appeal to our kids’ various learning styles and strengths. 

You can blame it on policy, on teachers’ unions, on all kinds of people and institutions.  And yes, writing to your political representatives and going to Board of Education meetings and making your voice heard is a great way to start to effect change.  Or you can always do the homeschooling option or if you’re loaded, enroll in private school (but both of those options come with all sorts of interesting baggage too).  But I really think that the most important change that we can all make immediately, which will have the biggest impact, is to be mindful of our choices as parents and as individuals.

Several people have complained to me about how intense the soccer and baseball programs are and how crazy the parents get.  When my son William (7) mentioned recently that he would like to try soccer, I thought, that’s not going to be very fun for him since all the other kids have been involved in Soccermania since age 3.  It’s crazy to me that children who may still be struggling to learn to read are already required to practice 3 times a week and then monopolize the family’s weekend plans with games.  Baseball games on Mother’s Day, tournaments on Memorial Day Weekend, missing church because of games – where did this come from?  Actually, I’ll tell you where it came from.  At some point in the evolution of parenting, we went from “thou shall be seen but not heard” to “I will do whatever it takes to make you feel good about yourself- and get you a free ride in college while we’re at it.”  It’s like a runaway train that most people want to stop but they’re not quite sure who’s driving it and they’re afraid to jump off, because as annoying and disruptive as it may be, it’s comfortable because it sometimes feels nice and there’s company in the misery.

In terms of the academics, our cookie-cutter education system has led to a system that caters to the student who would do well in any setting, while the majority of kids are either insufficiently challenged, or insufficiently engaged, or not given the chance to catch up developmentally.  If Jimmy is not thrilled to read chapter books by first grade, he had better be tested for learning disabilities and we better get him a tutor so that he doesn’t fall too far behind because then he’ll feel like a moron and his self-esteem will be in the toilet and he’ll hate school.  So now the parent must turn into the thorn in the principal’s side, demanding all sorts of testing so we can nip this in the bud, and everyone is stressed out, and little Jimmy now hates to read.  Meanwhile, he probably would have been just fine had he been allowed to hone his socializing skills during a full day of kindergarten, and spent less time being tested and more time learning how he learns best, during his first year  or two of school.

Alas, as parents we cannot change the system in a day or even a year.  Any time there is money and ego tied to a problem, finding and then implementing a solution is an enormous task.  Of course, we should do our best to get things rolling with that, but in the meantime I think every parent should ask him/herself these questions:

• As parents, what have we decided our family should stand for?  What are our core values?
• Does our daily life reflect those values?  If not, what can we cut out or add in?
• Do I know my child’s true essence?  What is he about?  Am I encouraging his uniqueness or squelching it?
• What does “herd mentality” mean to me?  How does it play into my decision-making?
• Am I truly my child’s advocate, or am I actually part of the (failing) system?  What are my honest intentions?

Yesterday on Facebook I posted the following status: 

So when did it become the sign of an 'involved parent' for parents to visit their kids' classrooms, volunteer in the classroom etc? It's become a new way to "keep up with the joneses" & to feel mommy guilt. If you teach your kids to be compassionate, hard working, honest & happy, you're involved. Volunteer in school because it brings you joy, not out of duty; & if it doesn't fit into your life, that's totally fine.

I was thinking the other day about how so many moms spend a lot of time in their kids’ schools.  It’s really hard not to feel inadequate compared to them if you’re a working mom or if you simply have other stuff you’d rather be doing than chaperoning a field trip or having lunch with your kid in the cafeteria.  At dinner the other night (yes, we have a family dinner every night, and if Bill’s traveling I still sit down with the kids in the dining room), Jackie (10) said, “Parents who are at school a lot are too involved.  They need to let their kids just figure out stuff.”  It got me thinking about what our intentions are.  At what point did being “involved in your child’s education” go from showing up for parent-teacher meetings and reading with your child at night, to taking time off from work or from tennis in order to prove to your child and the world that you care?  Of course, many moms participate because they really enjoy spending time with their kids and getting to know their kids’ classmates.  And I don’t know when it happened, but there are now official positions that need to be filled (classroom parent, all the various PTO committees).  I think it’s great that parents take leadership roles because when you look at schools in urban areas, lack of parental involvement is one of the biggest causes cited for failing kids.  However, at some point we need to ask ourselves, am I involved because Judy over there is always there for her kid and she makes me look bad, or because I want my kid to feel like I love her, or because I really don’t have that much else going on in my life (if that’s the case, you may want to give me a call)?

To me there appears to be this big disconnect in middle and upper class America.  When the kids are younger, the parents are hovering over them like flies on well, you-know-what.  Then they hit middle school and the PTO meetings become far less attended, the jocks have more practices but the non-Mia Hamms have nothing to do after school besides piles of meaningless homework, and the Race to Nowhere starts to kick in big time.  It doesn’t have to be this way.  You know how NIKE tells us to Just Do It?  Well, I say Just No It.  Model conscious, mindful decision making for your children.  If your child is supposed to be at practice 3 times a week, insist you’re only going twice.  If there is a tournament on Labor Day weekend and you had hoped to hit the beach, say NO.  If your child asks why you aren’t in school as much as Madison’s mom is, explain that you are happy to spend time with her before and after school, but school is a place for children to figure things out and to do their job as students.  If there is a call for local volunteers and you don’t feel it is in your heart or schedule to help out, say NO.  How can we expect our children to resist the pressure to join the meaningless race, when we are guilty of it ourselves?  Just No It.

Parent University

Saturday the Newtown Parent Connection, S.M.A.R.T. and the Brookfield Substance Abuse Coalition held the 4^th annual Parent University.  From 8:00am-1:15pm parents and any interested adult could attend seminars on topics that included bullying, internet safety, depression, transitioning from middle school to high school, what’s really going on in our towns (drugs), ‘tween & teen sexuality, and so on.  $5 and free babysitting!  I had my weekly yoga/run mom group I coach, so I was only able to attend the last session – but I’m glad I did.

The session I attended was “21^st Century Parenting with Challenging Children and Teens.”  It was taught by Charlie Manos, Director of Special Education & Support Services for Brookfield schools, who also has his own practice as a marriage and family therapist. 

Charlie talked about how much society has changed in the last few decades in terms of family dynamics and the place of the child in society.  In the 1950s there was a clear hierarchy.  Adults set the rules, the kids followed them, and if there was any disobedience there were consequences.  Parental authority was not questioned.  This changed in the 1970s and today, there is no hierarchy.  Children in many ways act as if they are equals to adults, and parents today usually need to be convinced (according to Charlie) that there should be a hierarchy.  It doesn’t help that even if a parent does think a certain way, she will often be challenged by her spouse or her own peers.  Things are no longer as clear as they used to be.

There are some positive sides of this.  Parents are communicating better with their children and taking into account feelings, self esteem, and so on.  Charlie described how there is a spectrum when it comes to the temperament we are born with, with fearful being on one end and risk taker on the other end.  In today’s parenting, with our tendency to be less authoritarian, we are more likely to be motivated to work with our child’s temperament, which is a good thing because when a parent’s temperament tends toward one end of the spectrum and the child’s temperament tends toward the opposite end, chaos can erupt.  Charlie pointed out that it’s important to understand our child’s temperament and communicate to our child that it’s okay to be that way, this way it doesn’t become a source of shame.

I admit that in spite of my involvement with S.M.A.R.T. (which has been rather minimal since the fall, when I focused on Ironman, my business, and my kids’ swim team practices), when I first saw the seminar offerings, my immediate reaction was, “my kids are young, I don’t need to know this stuff yet, and by the time I do need to know it the rules, threats and drugs will all be different.”  I did want to help out, though, and I was curious to see what this whole Parent U was all about, so after my class I took a quick shower and sped over.

Charlie’s class, like the others, was as expected, geared toward parents of middle schoolers and high schoolers.  However, I definitely got a lot out of it.  According to Charlie, the most common reasons for challenging behavior in children and teens are:

1. unclear, vague, and confusing rules
2. not keeping up with child’s/teen’s thinking (think of your child whom you’re certain would make a great lawyer or captain of the debate team)
3. button pushing (they know exactly how to frustrate us!)
4. power trip (kids wield power over their family by dictating the family mood, so the rest of the family tiptoes round to avoid upsetting the challenging child)
5. the pleasure principle (living in the moment, immediate gratification)
6. peer power (lacking a strong connection to the family, teens will rely on their peers for acceptance and will adopt the peer group’s values)
7. misuse of outside forces (parents are increasingly turning to counselors, shrinks, medication to “fix” their kids)

As any parent of a toddler, preschooler, grade schooler knows, this list is definitely applicable to parenting younger children. It was a great reminder for me to put my own parenting under a microscope.  I can certainly think of times that I have been inconsistent with rules, or Bill and I have been inconsistent.  Jackie (10) could certainly be a fantastic litigator (though I’d be very surprised if she went that route professionally, phew).  Both kids are expert button pushers and if we are tired, distracted, in a rush, etc we may as well be the Staples Easy Button.  On numerous occasions our activities have been dictated or influenced by “what would be less likely to result in a Royal Willo Tantrum?”

There were a couple of other important points Charlie made, that I took to heart.  He cautioned against giving your child constant lectures and sermons, which he says is the best way to get your child to tune you out and to break down the lines of communication, eroding parental authority.  I was very relieved to learn that now, before navigating the treacherous adolescent years, since I acknowledge I have already lectured each of them on topics related to peer relationships, household chores, work ethic, compassion, When Mami is on the Phone You Are to Go Mute, TV and Video Games Turn Kids Into Morons, and so on.  No more lectures. 

The other lesson was regarding strictness.  The list he gave us of common family problems included “Over Strictness.”  I raised my hand and asked, “I admit I’m extremely strict, certainly more than the average parent.  How do I know if I’m too strict?”  His answer was interesting.  He said that the parents need to figure out what their values and expectations are, and then communicate these to our kids.  If we are imposing rules out of fear, this will likely cause problems.  If, however, we set a foundation in our family based on the values that are important to us, and we in turn model those same values and rules, this will be much more effective.  I thought about the source of my strictness:  unlike many of my peers, I do not tolerate being interrupted by children (unless it’s an emergency), shouting or squealing indoors and certainly not in a car, refusal to try new foods, chewing with open mouths, whining, insulting a sibling, using my computer or cell phone, TV on week days, sleeping in the parental bed.  I have explained to the kids why these are important rules for us:  children are not equals to adults, and therefore have not yet earned certain privileges (computers, phones, etc), and must respect boundaries (I know, a growingly extinct concept).  We also travel quite a bit and I have explained to them that out of respect for other adults, they need to be able to be somewhere and control their impulse to be completely annoying.  Of course, as a result of this seminar, I now know that the correct approach is to explain all of this in a non-lecturing way, and to reply to their “fresh talk” with statements such as “I understand that makes you angry” instead of “don’t you dare talk to me that way.”  Getting back to the part about modeling desirable behavior – I need to control my impulse to say something hurtful or based on a power trip, or out of a desire to vent my anger – and instead figure out how to motivate my children, who are so very different from each other, to behave well.  I feel fortunate to have sat through Charlie’s class now, while my kids are still unguarded about their desire to please their parents.  If we try hard enough to be mindful parents now, hopefully we can avoid at least some of the problems that could appear further down the road.

Charlie gave us some interesting lists about Top Child & Teen Hot Buttons (e.g. talking in chapters: bring up the past to bolster your argument) and Five Toxic Behaviors That Can Poison a Parent/Child Relationship (e.g. attacking the person rather than the misbehavior) and Top Ten Parent Hot Buttons (“You never let me do anything!”) – and he commented on the lists and provided some more constructive approaches.  The bottom line is we need to be a strong parental team, decide what our values are and establish a foundation based upon those values, be mindful of our reactivity so we can try to act less out of emotion, develop a hierarchy of consequences and be consistent with it, “catch our kids being good,” as often as possible, work with our child’s temperament by coaxing them instead of shoving them the way we want them to be.

In conclusion, Parent University should be attended by parents of children of all ages - it is never too soon to learn how to prevent issues, or for that matter, what your babysitters may be doing in their spare time.  I expect to see every one of you (my local peeps) there next year!!