(I think) the most important legacy for your child

Sunday, January 23, 2011, was the 7th anniversary of my mom's death.  She found out she had esophageal cancer, 3 weeks later I found out I was pregnant with my 2nd (and last) child.  Nine months later I gave birth to my son, and a month later my mom died.  The first few years were rough, to say the least.  The sadness, mind-numbing exhaustion and moving from one necessary task to the next as I struggled to deal with an infant who seemed to be constantly either on the brink of screaming or just flat-out screaming, while my three-year-old endured a year-and-a-half-long bout of withholding her bowel movements.  As I look back on that time I have a hard time distinguishing between emotions resulting from my mother's untimely death, and those caused by struggling with being a very lonely new mother of two.  My husband was constantly traveling, I had no family nearby, and I still hadn't formed any meaningful friendships in my insular Connecticut town.

I thought of this a little bit on Sunday.  We were in the Washington, DC area, visiting my in-laws.  We used to live there (it's where Bill and I met), and in many ways it feels like home to me.  We have many friends there and I always felt welcome, from the first day I arrived there back in 1993, I think.  DC is smaller and more manageable than NYC, and full of transients and transplants from all over the world.  The perfect place for a TCK like me.

I toyed between going to church or going for a run on the morning of the anniversary - what would make me feel closer to my mom, what would be more meaningful for me/her?  I decided to join a friend, Jeff Horowitz, for a run.  My parents had always been very active as my sister and I were growing up (in fact, my dad, now age 70, is preparing for the Myrtle Beach marathon - his 25th?).  My mom grew up dancing ballet and I don't remember a single day that she didn't do aerobics or at least some stretching routine.  Even on vacation.

Sunday's run ended up being with a group of a dozen or so people, who met at the Lululemon store in Georgetown (FABULOUS workout clothes, by the way!!).  Jeff led us through some functional warm-up exercises (he's a personal trainer & running coach, author, ultra runner, etc.) and then we all headed out into the 17 degree air and ran over to the National Mall and then back for a series of hill repeats.

When I wasn't chatting, I was thinking about what I consider to be one of the most important legacies my mom left me.  I love training.  I love being active.  I remember even in my party 20s, when out on the town, if a bar or club didn't have dancing, pool, or at the very least darts, I wasn't interested in it.  It's not that chatting doesn't interest me - I love an intense conversation - it's just that I found most conversations didn't satisfy me the way that expressing myself physically, or in competition, did.  Even today, when I was reflecting on some of my friends who are involved in several Bible study groups or the like, I noticed how at least at this point in my life that is not exactly calling me.  However, if I think of a line from Scripture or a philosophical statement, and mull it over while snowshoeing across a beautiful, isolated golf course, or while running by the Lincoln Monument, or riding the ski lift up with my snowboard dangling, gazing out at the beautiful white landscape down below - this to me is a much deeper connection with God.  As is every time I practice yoga and focus on nothing but my breath, and the gratitude I feel for my health and strength.  It's what I call a sensory spiritual experience, as I exuberantly engage my 5 senses.

Growing up, I never considered myself an athlete.  I grew up in Mexico City and I don't ever recall it being as crazy as things are today surrounding athletics.  My sister and I went to ballet once or twice a week and on weekends our family would go to the Club France, which was really a swim & tennis club.  We dabbled in tennis, splashed around a lot in the pool, seeing who could do the most creative dive or jump off the highest diving board, and my dad and I would play in badminton tournaments.  My dad would also take us roller skating and I remember flying recklessly downhill in the UNAM university stadium parking lot (no helmet).  Eventually the Skate Inn skating rink was built near our house and that became our favorite place to go every weekend evening after the Club France, especially once my sister and I won free memberships.

We never really participated in organized sports.  I had a brief stint on the softball team, I think when I was a freshman.  I ran on the high school track team for 2 weeks and while the nickname I was given "Tortuga" (turtle) was a little annoying, it wasn't the reason I quit.  I'd only joined because I wanted to participate in a specific tournament that I'd heard was loads of fun, where there was a water park.  Meanwhile, my dad was racking up his marathons.  He was the first Brit to run the Mexico City Marathon, earning him a feature in the local paper.  He did New York several times.

It wasn't until college that I committed to anything athletic.  I rowed crew my freshman year at Rutgers, because I'd seen the movie Oxford Blues with Rob Lowe and thought it looked fun and the rowers cute.  Living in a freshman dorm, with a bunch of students who after years of midnight curfews and strict rules re: alcohol & sex were now liberated from parental law and on a collective rampage, didn't bode well with my 5:30am roll call at the boathouse.   Severely sleep-deprived, and not feeling like I fit in with the crew creed to Live, Eat, Breathe & Date Crew - I quit after one semester.  I decide collegiate sports were too myopic and intense for me, so I'd try intramural sports.  I played in the intramural badminton league. I joined the Rutgers Ultimate Frisbee club, since I figured that my 3 weeks in San Diego as a high school freshman had taught me all I needed to know about throwing a frisbee.  I think we were 3 females but that didn't faze me.  After college I heard there was such a thing as 10k's on rollerblades and thought, cool!  I competed in my first in Central Park (New York) and I was hooked.  Speed, competition, not exactly a mainstream sport, and surprisingly, always a top 3 finish in my age group (non-elite).  And I never trained.  I'd taken to skating to class now and then in college, and I did workout to try and shake the 20+ lbs I'd gained in college (they shook alright, and wiggled, but didn't melt away till a few years later).

Fast forward to now.  After each baby I turned to running, and between that and breastfeeding, quickly dropped the weight.  I used to HATE running.  I'd run a mile or two and call it a day.  I'd only run if my boyfriend du jour was into running and would drag me along.  Then when I moved to DC and a coworker convinced me to run at lunch with her, my dread turned to anticipation.  Running round the monuments of such a historical, optimistically-built city, in the midst of all kinds of military boys with their dog-tags hitting their bare, muscular chests as their feet pounded the ground along the Potomac River... Let me tell you, I became a runner!  To this day, the love of running has stayed with me.  Sure, sometimes (often) the temptation to skip a day, or shorten the workout, is there.  But somehow I (usually) push through it, and inevitably I'm glad I did.  And I have my parents to thank for that.

Our country is in the midst of an obesity epidemic, with children suffering the most from it.  There are so many reasons for it: few opportunities to exercise during the school day; unhealthy food choices at school and at home; over-medication; lack of opportunities to walk instead of climb into the minivan; too much screen time; not enough unstructured play... The list goes on and on.  I can't change the world today, but I do believe I can influence enough women to take charge of their health the way my mom did.

Next week my Active Women's Club begins, where I will train a group of women to transition from walking to running, to run their first 5k or 10k, or to train smarter by incorporating yoga & functional strength training into their workout regimen.  Especially since becoming an Ironman athlete, many women have said, "I could NEVER do that.  I'm sooooooo unathletic."  I've been thinking about that statement constantly, and when I ran on Sunday, the anniversary, I thought about how sad it is that so many people think of themselves that way.  When I was starting up my local Ultimate Frisbee Club and I approached a few friends to try it out, that was their reply.  "I'm not athletic."  But to me that's as false as someone saying, "I'm not creative."  Like creativity, we were all born athletic.  Granted, only a small fraction were born with the drive to be Olympic athletes, but that's not what I'm talking about here.  There is no physical reason why someone is not athletic.  Look at Kyle Maynard, who has no arms or legs, and is a great wrestler.  Fortunately, my "unathletic" friends agreed to try out ultimate and now they are zipping round the field, catching and throwing the disc in a way that even surprises them.

I often roll my eyes at kids' athletics today.  It's too intense, too adult-driven, and kids as young as 7 or 8 have to try out for teams.  God forbid they make it, then mom can forget her own life and dad can kiss his golf game good-bye.  And for what?  Sure, you'll have your Mia Hamms here and there, but the majority of kids will get to middle school and if they aren't Wayne Gretsky or Mia Hamm, they'll decide they're unathletic.  My own kids are not exactly athletically gifted in the traditional sense.  Compared to their peers, they're pretty mediocre.  But I see that as an advantage.  As long as they don't become discouraged, and they continue to Just Have Fun, my hope is that we are creating life-long athletes.

 The Race to Nowhere, which I unfortunately have yet to see, examines the way in which our super-driven society pushes so many kids over the brink - in terms of academics.  I'll bet the depression and all those other issues they list as consequences of the pressure kids feel today, are at least in part because of the fact our kids rarely get the opportunity to play just for the fun of it.  Almost all sports today (even cheerleading) require an enormous level of commitment, both financial and in terms of time.  So dammit, if I have to spend $500 for you to play hockey, little Jenny, you're not missing any practices, we're dragging our butts to the rink at 5am on Saturday, and driving all over the state for your games!  (And Jenny is only 9).  I can understand the urge to embrace the intensity.  It's rare that you can just sign up little Jenny for something that's a bit of carefree fun, where she and her friends can figure out the rules for themselves and make do with crappy equipment.  Everything these days has to be high tech, special uniforms, even the snacks are a formal affair.  It doesn't help that Play it Again Sports went out of business so we've got to rely on eBay and Craigslist for used equipment and pay more for shipping than the darn thing's worth.  No wonder parents so often make their kids' athletics their own life.  No wonder so few parents today make the time to workout.  And no wonder so many little Jennies burn out.  And when they label themselves as "unathletic," people and children are missing out on a human need to MOVE.

I believe that the most important ingredients of a good life foundation, that I can instill in my children, include the following: to love to read; to know how to swim well; to always do what they love; to never rely on others for happiness; to avoid herd mentality; to take charge of their health by making wise food choices and exercising daily.  I used to begrudge my parents for not pushing us more.  But now as I look around, I realize I will always be thankful to my parents for never pressuring us to succeed, instead for just letting us be.  I just hope I can do the same with my kids.

Goal check-up

We are two weeks into the year and by now most people have either given up on their resolutions, or never began them.  If you read my previous blog entry (Jan. 2), hopefully it spurred you on to forget resolutions, and instead write down some S.M.A.R.T. (specific, measurable, achievable, relevant & time-constrained) goals.

One of my goals for this year is to rewrite the book I wrote three summers ago, Clearing the Mommy Fog, and actually get it published.  Or self-publish it and hand it out to my coaching clients.  Clearing the Mommy Fog is a self-help guide for women, who have gotten married, popped out a baby or five, and suddenly realize that holy crap - is this really what life is all about?  Putting out domestic fires, having an identity based mostly if not wholly on being someone's mom, and resenting that NFL-obsessed farting lump on the couch who used to make you giggle like a school girl?

Two weeks into the year we are on school snow day four, which does not help one's goalkeeping efforts.  However, I have somehow managed to stare at the computer (without heeding Facebook or email's siren calls) for a few uninterrupted minutes here and there, and I have begun rewriting the book.  It is really amazing what three years' additional experience can do for one's perspective on matters such as happiness, fulfillment, spirituality, priorities.  I imagine that one of the most valuable aspects of having an editor, agent, publicist etc. is that at some point someone has to say, "Enough!  It's done!" - and this has got to be the second hardest thing about publishing a book (the first being the fear of rejection, since you are, after all, baring your soul to some extent, even with fiction).

In the three years since I initially wrote the book, I have become certified as a Life & Career Coach; completed two full Ironman, 2 half Ironman, and countless Olympic and sprint distance triathlons.  I helped to bring Achieve Kids Triathlon camps to the Northeast and am now preparing for our second season, again with me as Head Coach.  Our two kids have switched from private to public school and are thriving there (and our bank account is slowly recovering, without all those exorbitant tuition payments).  We decided one day to ditch our life in CT and one week later moved the family to a tiny island that didn't have as much as a library, for three months.  We started an ultimate frisbee club in our town, in an effort to get families playing together, and in so doing have made some great new friends and proved that everyone is athletic when given the chance.  And the reason to be so.  I have done something that for me is huge, which I always said I'd NEVER do - I agreed to a puppy.

Penny, the day we adopted her (she'd been abandoned) - April 2009

Penny, last week

I ran for office, something else I said "over my dead body."  (I lost, thankfully.)  I have started snowshoeing, learned how to change a bike flat, become addicted to Success Magazine, refused to give in to the Video Game herd mentality, started barefoot running.  I have made tons of mistakes, in fact not a single day goes by that I don't screw up with my kids, my husband, my dog, my businesses, my athletics, my nutrition.  Just right now, while I'm sitting here writing, my 7 year old son came over and asked me to draw with him and I said, "give me half an hour, I still have some work to do."  On Saturday, our dog had to have a painful procedure done because I had not taken her to get her nails clipped and one had split.  Countless occasions where I could have expressed my gratitude for my husband for working so hard so I can do what I feel is my purpose at least for now - care for the kids and build my coaching business, as well as train, teach yoga, write a book, and build Achieve- instead I turned to the dishes or the laundry, or worse yet, snapped at him for being impatient with the kids.  

All of this living and reflecting makes me come back to my book, and what I initially wrote about three years ago.  And I feel like I missed the point back then.  Instead of just a small section of the book, the overarching theme should be GOALS.  When you go through those days where you feel like for every three steps forward to take five back; or it seems you're doing one mundane task after the other; or you're making one mistake after the other, and the mommy guilt sets in - having goals is what keeps you from teetering off that ledge and into the abyss, which for some is a mediocre existence, for others is downright misery.  Either way is not the way that God intended us to live our lives.  By 2020, 1 in 3 adults will have diabetes; I can assure you that at least 9 in 10 of those diabetics will not have any written goals, certainly not in a balanced way: encompassing career, health, relationships.  

When we are doing what we are meant to be doing, thereby living purposefully and passionately, constantly being challenged yet achieving a steady degree of mastery - then we are truly living.  S.M.A.R.T. goals serve as the "destination postcard" to keep us on track, just like each triathlon, certification process, deadline, or picture of an ecstatic child crossing her first triathlon finish line, keeps me on track even when I'm stuck home with rambunctious children and a restless dog and husband for days on end.

Okay, off to do some art with my son :)

Become a goalkeeper!

This is my last posting for 2010.  It's been a great year, highlighted by our spontaneous decision to move to a small island for 3 months, Bill's finishing a huge 5-year hotel project, my finishing my 2nd Ironman triathlon, our kids finishing their first triathlons, our dog Penny finally outgrowing a horrendously naughty and hyper puppyhood.  But of course, those reached goals were only temporary goalposts as we now have to keep moving... more projects, more athletic quests, more dog training.

New Year's Eve is typically when we take stock of our year and what we've accomplished.  And what we didn't finish, or in many cases, never even started.  We had a holiday party at our house the other night, with our ultimate frisbee team, my triathlon-related friends, my fellow yogis.  On the evite I had asked everyone to come with 1-3 goals for the new year.  Part of me was doing it sort of jokingly, and I thought of having everyone write their goals on a board and then once everyone had had some holiday cheer, I would invite the guests to place bets on how long it would take each person to either give up on their goal or complete it.  Instead, what I had them to is before they left our home, they had to sign our guest book - and if they didn't mind sharing, list their goals in the book.

The next morning it was really great to not only read people's kind messages to us, but also to read their goals.  These were some of them:

• place top 5 in 25-29 Age Group National Championship
• Read more books
• Finish Ironman Lake Placid in 11:35 to 16:59
• run a 5k (with no walking)
• help secure funding for the Achieve Kids Tri program
• get a tattoo
• complete a Tough Mudder race
• run 3 times weekly from April through August
• take good pictures of everyone else doing triathlons
• complete my first triathlon
• run for office - again
• have a balanced life
• organize 12 rooms in my house in 12 months
• put myself first once in a while
• save $125/week for old age
• spend more time with the kids
• love each other more (married couple)
• be able to do a pull-up

And so on.  Some really great goals!  Obviously some may seem more difficult to others, depending on where we're starting from.  Some goals are for physical health, some for financial health, others for relationships and others for personal growth.  Some of these goals will be reached (actually, most of them, I believe, since this is a particularly motivated group of people compared to the average population) but some won't.  Not for lack of motivation (as I said, they're all motivated people) but rather, because whether your goal is to read more books or to improve your marriage or complete your first triathlon, all goals need to be designed in such a way or we are setting ourselves up for failure.  

The same thinking that has led you to where you are is not going to lead you to where you want to go.

- Albert Einstein

I am a HUGE believer in goals.  I think goals are so necessary that I am convinced that if we were all avid goalkeepers, far fewer people would be on anti-depressants (actually, any medication really), divorced, broke, unfit, unhappy.  

The person who has no goal, who doesn't know where he's going, and whose thoughts must therefore be thoughts of confusion, anxiety and worry - his life becomes one of frustration, fear, anxiety and worry.  And if he thinks about nothing... he becomes nothing.

- Earl Nightingale

When you have goals that are specific, measurable, achievable, realistic and time-driven (SMART), and you have them written down in a place that you refer to at least 2-3 times/day, you are very unlikely to allow your relationships, your career, your bank account and your body, mind and soul languish in mediocre status quo.  If we aren't busy growing, we're busy dying and the same applies to our marriages, passions, finances, muscles, spirituality - you name it.  

Having a SMART goal and referring to it often works for several reasons:  it guides us when making all those little decisions we make every day, that lead to new habits; it gives us a sense of purpose and a feeling of control.  Let's take one of the above goals from my friends' list:  spend more time with the kids.  I don't know anyone who thinks they spend enough quality time with their kids.  Even a stay-at-home parent, when s/he really thinks about it, will admit that s/he feels s/he doesn't spend enough uninterrupted, focused time with each child.  As it stands now, the goal isn't SMART, so I see it as a resolution (to be broken) rather than as a goal. A SMART goal would look more like this:

Spend 30 minutes a day with the children - no electronics or phones, etc - and the children take turns picking the activity.

Going further, the goalkeeper may decide that every evening, 8:00-8:30pm, when all dishes are done, homework put away, and the kids are in pj's, there will be some quality time with the kids.  Could be snuggling, reading together, praying, playing Scrabble, whatever.  Studies show that when a behavior is done for 3 weeks, it now becomes a habit.  So do this for 3 weeks and now you have a positive, powerful habit of communicating with and enjoying your children.  Every time you have an opportunity to add another activity to your busy week, your decision will be easier as you can decide whether it will impact your new habit, and if it fits into your core values (putting family first).  Too often we are wandering adrift, without a clear focus of where we're going or where we want to be, and we end up feeling frazzled, out of control, and back where we started.  Not having goals in the major areas of our life - relationships, career, finances, health, personal development, spirituality - is the same as sticking your third-grader in Tokyo without a map or a destination for a few days.  He will have some adventures, have some fun, make some good decisions and some poor ones, and probably end up lost.  Furthermore, having SMART goals in each of the above areas gives you a roadmap for achieving the elusive "balanced life."  If you know where you want to be in each of these areas, you'll make much better decisions that will lead to feeling more balanced.  If one of your goals is to finish your first 5k race, running the whole way, on April 30th, and another goal is to save $125 per week, when your college friends invite you to a very tempting weekend in Las Vegas on March 15th, you can objectively analyze how this fits into your goals - and make the decision relatively easily.

So, it's January 1st, 2011 - turn those resolutions into SMART goals and get to work (and play)!

(P.S. I began this posting on Dec. 30th but I finished it today, Jan. 1st, because sitting at the computer while the family was awake was not congruent with my goal to spend quality family time over the holidays :-) )